Tea_and_cake

Walking orange.

2006-02-03T15:19:00.000+11:00

When I was younger my family moved around a bit, and not just from state to state, but from country to country. This means that I don't have any friends from when I was little that I've stayed in touch with. The friends I've kept the longest are all from the end of high school, and I still fell out of touch with them when I moved overseas (this time on my own) for university. Some of the other friendships I had ended as a result of coming out, making some people uncomfortable. And then there was just moving apart gradually because we ran out of things in common.

There are a few friendships that didn't change because of any differences to my lifestyle, or because I was living in a different country. I still didn't speak with these people for a few years, and emails were very sporadic. But still, when I picked up the phone and called them, we talked for hours. One of them, who I'm naming Bob for today, had been thinking about getting in touch with me also. He's been feeling the lack of close friends lately, and so we've been spending a lot of time talking. He's working really hard at university, and he's been very successful at it so far. This is all very exciting news for someone who was so close to him, because he's had so many rough periods in his life.

When I knew him in high school, it was as a boyfriend initially. We went out for six months, during which time we kissed twice. At that point it was pretty obvious that the closeness that led us to be a couple was really just friendship, and we ended the relationship. After that point we spent a lot of time together, and he is without doubt the best friend I've ever had. He's also been the hardest person to maintain a friendship with. All the stereotypical things that could go wrong in childhood (in a wealthy WASP community) did, his father used to beat him etc. When I first met him, he was the perfect son. He played piano beautifully, got straight As, he was maybe not as athletic as his father would have liked, but he did do martial arts, and was successful at that. He was polite to his parents, and could speak with adults without turning red or being rude.

After a year of knowing him this all started to change. I noticed scars on his arms, and when I'd asked what they were he said that they were from a bike accident. In fact, not until two years ago did he confirm that it was from himself. Watching a friend destroy themselves slowly physically like he did was hard. Even though I was close to him, he still couldn't open up and tell me about what was hurting him enough to make him want to do that. I don't think he really knew either. He ended up getting help, therapy and prozac. He spent some time in a hospital. I'd like to say that it fixed him and he was ok after that, but he wasn't. Only in the past two years is he getting back on his feet again, and managing his life better so that he doesn't feel so bad all the time.

Still, through all this he has grown as a person, and it almost gives substance to "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger." He wouldn't be who he is without having experienced all that he has, and so even though I hate all the pain that he's had in his life, I'm glad that I met him.

Walk and talk

2006-02-01T16:10:00.000+11:00

Up till the age 23, the sickest I'd been was a cold. I was pretty sick last year though, I put off going to the doctor for a long time because I had no insurance. I was worried about the cost.

I went after one particularly heinous night when I was hallucinating from a temperature, and the doctor gave me a choice of going to hospital in an ambulance or in a taxi.

I took the taxi, it was less embarassing than getting into an ambulance down the street from my apartment. Although, at that point, embarassment was a little past me.

Anyway, upshot is, I was treated like an idiot by most of the doctors that crossed my path (not without reason), but I got better.

What's a near death experience without a moment of clarity though? And mine came with a realization that I've let a lot of important people slip out of my life. So I've spent the last month making contact with people I've been close to, and it's been great.

The beauty of the "txt"

2005-05-20T00:49:00.000+10:00

"Hey do you remember [Mae]?"

"Why?"

"Apparently she's just written a book called 101 things to do with a beanbag chair and you've got a mention"

"I have no idea what your talking about"

"Well obviously the night stuck in her memory better than it did in yours.."

Sprung cleaning

2005-05-08T14:35:00.000+10:00

When I went to work yesterday there was a pile of garbage next to the door, the kitchen was disgusting (featuring tomato spattered walls behind the oven, science project fruit bowl, and something sticky covering ninety percent of the floor) and the bathroom shower had a distinctly slimey feel in the corners.

When I got home the apartment reeked of lemon but everything was tidy and clean and neat and guilt-inducing.

I'm thinking, as I walk in, that this isn't a good sign because generally when someone goes on a cleaning binge it means either they're too stressed for words, they're procrastinating from some undesirable task or they're really pissed off.

A little dodging around the subject and I'm pretty sure it's pissed off, and mostly because The Boy has not called in a few days, maybe for a week? And she's disappointed because it seemed like this guy wasn't a Guy and actually called when he was supposed to, and remembered important things.

I wish I got constructive when I was bummed. Mostly I just watch TV and go for long dramatic walks.

Drained

2005-05-07T08:30:00.000+10:00

I am really rather stressed at the moment. There is a lot of stuff I have to get done for university, my place of work is currently understaffed and they're scheduling me on for eight hour shifts nearly every day and it seems everyone I know is having a Drama. All of which means that I'm feeling very thin at the moment.

For example, last night a friend of mine walked three hours in the dark to come see me. He wanted to tell me that a night club that he really loves is being forced to close down.

Yeah. I didn't believe that's why he came either.

He's just broken up with his girlfriend (who was a bisexual come to think of it-coinkydink? I think not) who is already seeing other people and he's still in the chocolate cake eating where did things go wrong stage. The thing is though...I was just too tired and too worn out and too over people in general that I couldn't handle him and sent him on his way with a pile of paper referring to the laws this nightclub of his has supposedly violated.

This working schtick sucks neh?

Fortune cookies

2005-05-02T16:50:00.000+10:00

They don't taste that good, do they? Sort of like the inside of a sugary cereal box would taste.

My fortune though...what a gem of wisdom...

"Better to let a fool kiss you than to be fooled by a kiss."

Given recent events I'm not feeling enlightened by this, just as though someone/thing is having a bit of a laugh.

I did recently get the opportunity to laugh myself though when I asked a guy I work with for his phone number.

"You know I'm gay, right?"

"That's nice. So am I."

He was just a little embarassed.

Worst. Date. Ever.

2005-05-01T14:03:00.000+10:00

I don't ask for much, really I don't...

My flight down to Melbourne was delayed by, roughly, a million years so I was late the first night and only arrived at about 9:30, too late for the proposed early dinner date with my ex-pseudo-girlfriend.

Not to be detered we met up the next day for coffee, even if it was later than planned following my inadvertant tour of Melbourne on the public transport system of confusing maps and drivers who won't speak above an irritating mumble.

Eventually I got there, apologised for being late, made with the standard idle chit chat, and then there was about ten minutes of awkward silence until she asked what was wrong.

I said I didn't know.

She said she didn't either especially since we used to be able to talk for hours.

I had a nasty suspicion that it was because she was hiding something from me since in the past whenever she felt guilty she'd stop talking and act very awkwardly until she spilt.

I asked if she really didn't know?

She said that she didn't.

I said, ok fine. But you can tell me if there's something wrong.

She asked me to drop it.

I dropped it.

Things improved, there was talking and little to no weirdness until her boyfriend showed up.

ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH.

NEVER again will I date a bisexual.

Customer Satisfaction

2005-04-21T10:05:00.000+10:00

Name: Emma
Mobile phone number: 1809324798134
May we contact you? Please do!!

Comments: Tim is really hot! Call me!!

It didn't work...It's just stuck up in the back room for everyone to laugh at.

Poor Emma.

Entertaining

2005-04-19T13:36:00.000+10:00

Last night I had a dinner party in a sort of last minute hey, why don't you all come over for dinner?

I've always thought that it's an eat-at-your-own-risk affair when I cook since I use recipes only rarely and when cooking for myself I don't actually "cook" so much as eat vegetables straight out of the fridge. So I was a little surprised when everyone was enthused to come over, they all think I'm a good cook. I think that speaks more for too many delivery pizzas and moldy vegemite and toast dinners than for any actual cooking ability.

Anyway, I am in a much better mood now, even if I still haven't caught up on my sleep. And for all of you I have a joke that I thought was pretty good:

Two fish are swimming in a river and hit a concrete wall. One fish turns to the other and says "dam"

Also, it kills me to ask 'cause I'd like to think I'm super intelligent, genius even, but does anyone know the answer to that horrible rotten brain teaser where there are two people, and you know one of them always lies and the other always tells the truth. You're allowed to ask one question and you have to be able to tell which is the liar?

A whinge

2005-04-16T11:56:00.000+10:00

"Have you checked The. Roster.?"

"No...?"

"You should."

Hmmm....let's see....

Closing.

Closing.

Opening.

Darn it.

Why is it that I give the impression I can go without sleep? Because I can't. Nope. Not happy when I don't get my eight hours. Especially when I don't get my eight hours three days in a row.

I'm supposed to go out to a 21st after closing tonight too. That ought to be fun.

Cattle-dogs

2005-04-15T14:34:00.000+10:00

Or catalogues.

We've been getting loads of them lately, and I find myself increasingly tempted to buy something out of one. I look at all these diamond rings (Just $295!!) and new dining tables (A steal at $395!!) and ask myself why I haven't taken advantage of these special limited time only offers?

I'm thinking it's possibly because I'm poor.

Don't you hate it when the world conspires to remind you how poor you are? The other day I was buying coffee for myself and a few other people, and a little kid there asked if he could have a candy bar. He blew my carefully calculated penny-pinching budget.

Maybe it's a misguided opinion, but I think that's pretty much all kids do. That and scream on long-distance flights.

Judged a book by its cover.

2005-04-14T20:47:00.000+10:00

"Hey qt. cant wt till i c u again. ur hot an' I wanna c more"

Well, she seemed classy.

qt?

There is of course a possibility that she was drunk. But then again, qt?

c more?

I shouldn't be so quick to make fun. I've been guilty of the odd horribly embarassing text message in my time. I sent a two text message to a girl once apologizing for not calling her when I said I would, explaining that things were awkward with the timing and asking what she was doing that night. I think I sent this message at around 3am. Now who's classy?

Or the time when I sent an abusive message asking where on earth my (then) girlfriend was when she'd promised to meet me at a club. She was one table over and I was just too drunk to see her.

It's actually very disappointing that I get this tacky message now since my roommate is now embarking on a pseudo relationship. They aren't in one (cough cough) but they go on dates, call each other at night, text each other, and sleep over on cold nights. How much closer can you get?

I'm not green with envy or anything like that, I'm happy being single and going on the occasional date. I do kinda miss snuggle time though.

Ugh.

The dang fish died

2005-04-09T21:23:00.000+10:00

And, yeah, it was MY fish. My flatmate's is still very healthy. Perhaps too healthy...

My parents are visiting at the moment and that's kinda cool, spending time with them and all that. We're going to the coast tomorrow, as soon as I finish work, so I'm not going to be around for a week.

Before you get all envious of me, lying on a warm and sunny beach, I should say that my parents are health freaks and have told me to bring my hiking shoes and tennis racket (Do I own either of these items? No.)

These are the sacrifices I make for family time.

Sort of along the same lines, I'm going to a family reunion this month. It should be fun. Here is a conversation as I remember it between my then 15 year old cousin and myself, last time I saw her:

Her: I was pretty young when I lost my virginity

Me: Oh?

Her: I was 13.

Me: [audible sound of jaw cracking from opening so fast]

Her: Don't worry, I realised I was too young and I waited a long time before we did it again.

Me: Oh, that's good. How long?

Her: Two weeks.

That is not an exaggeration people. I sometimes wonder how much of an influence genes really have since I don't seem to have an awful lot in common with these people. Still, I can sit through a few hours of torture on the off chance that if I become a standup I'll never be short on material.

Got me a flatmate, mate.

2005-04-07T12:03:00.000+10:00

I live with a straight chick.

Well, she was straight before this year. Now everyone thinks we're a couple. Some people just go with the rumor but others try to check.

"So...how many bedrooms does your place have?"

She's got a sense of humor (thank God) and always answers, "Two, or, one study and a bedroom."

Hehe.

So far it's been awesome. We don't compete when we go out which is sort of novel for both of us. We bought fish and a couch. I never have to cook anymore because she's well into it. Actually, so far my responsibilities seem to basically include killing all spiders, keeping the potted plants alive, and having the bedroom closest to the front door so I can "get the baddies."

Only minor downside is she's a bit uneasy with the lesbian crowd that invades on occasion, which I suppose is fair. We talk like other girls about dates and bad sex experiences...and unless you're used to discussions on hair in throat it's a bit much. For my part, even if I don't compete with her, a lot of her friends are alpha-male type guys and I don't generally get along with them at first.

Still, she's coming around even if she still thinks sex with a girl would be "icky" and I've managed to stop acting like a territorial fool when her friends show up.

Bum nuts

2005-04-06T22:23:00.000+10:00

Sorry...kinda gross.

That's what my father calls eggs.

I got some in the mail today. Chocolate ones. (Better late than never) From the girl I was dating at the end of the year.

I am one happy, sugar high, sorta flattered girl.

I'm going to visit her in a few weeks. Suddenly coffee selling and sucking up to the boss doesn't seem so bad when I have something to save for.

Employed

2005-04-03T14:25:00.000+10:00

So I now officially have a job. It was slow in coming this year. Had a few false starts.

One of those was for a cafe that shall remain nameless. They hired me as a waitress and then yelled at me for everything, even for the fact there were no customers. The owner told me to get out the front and try and tempt people to sit down. How does one do this you ask? Apparently by being an "attractive young lady."

Huh.

So I handed out another 20 or so resumes and got a bunch of calls, but they all wanted full time workers. Finally I got a call from a large international coffee chain that makes lots of coffee type drinks and is the butt of many jokes in popular media. I'm currently learning how to make coffee and wasn't it a shock to learn it's not as simple as grind beans, put in machine, add water.

Coming home from work last night I got another job offer. The taxi driver asked if I wanted to work the bar at a nightclub he was opening. I let him know that I know virtually nothing about alcohol (apart from how to ingest quantities that perhaps could be considered as "too much"). He asked what I did then. I told him that I make coffee. He offered me a job making coffee in his nightclub/resturant.

Damned if I can figure out whether he was conning me or not. I don't often associate taxi drivers and resturant/nightclub owners.

Where I've been

2005-03-30T14:16:00.000+10:00

Off investigating my head a little. Spring cleaning, redecorating and just generally questioning myself. It's obligatory during university and since I was running out of time I thought I'd better get it out of the way.

I think I'm a little more sane now. Taken up pilates and (ugh) jogging. Drinking green tea. Reading more literature and starting assignments before they're due. Telling people when I think they're being stupid and trying to avoid being stupid myself, particularly in the area of interpersonal skills.

The night I decided to give it up and go for a holiday was the night I went to a party that an ex invited me to. I hadn't seen the ex in ages, bumped into her randomly and scored and invite. I ended up spending most of my time talking to another girl. About halfway through the night my ex asked me to come to the kitchen with her, for words. She tried to kiss me and I told her I thought that we had tried being together and it had failed and I for one was not interested in doing it again. She slapped me (had no idea it hurt that much) and I went to sit outside by myself. Girl I'd been talking to came out also and asked me whether there was something between us (the crazy ex and me) and I said no. She said good, she wanted me to come to a club with her. I said sure. We went to the club and had lots of fun and I ended up having a great night.

The next morning the crazy ex called me and apologized for being drunk and excitable and asked if we could talk. I said I thought not. She said that she felt there was unresolved stuff between us and wanted to talk like a sane individual and I couldn't hold her drunk behavior against her and blah blah blah until I caved. We met at a diner for brunch. She asked lots of questions about what I'd been doing. I asked her what she'd been doing. She told me who she'd been doing. I told her about people I'd dated. She lost the plot because she thought she was the only girl.

Now, I'm no nymphomaniac but I'm not an ice cube either, and we "dated" a long time ago so I'm not sure what she was thinking (definately was not that mindblowing that I couldn't move on). She eventually pulled it together and was pacified with the idea that she was the first.

She did do a lot of crazy mean talking though, about how I end up falling for straight girls (who are experimenting) and subverting my own sexuality, and how I still dress and act like I'm straight. (How does one act straight?) and blah blah more crazy talk.

This did make me aware that probably a lot of my issues with people last year were because I don't come across as a lesbian straight off. So basically, I'm either going to shave my head or become more comfortable with not fitting into a catagory visually.

Has-bians

2004-12-03T08:50:00.000+11:00

I might have done a bad thing in the sense of not being an accepting or understanding friend.

At a bar I met up with a few friends from high school, and one of them is also a lesbian. Or was? Or is, but is experimenting with men? Or never was? She was one of the first girls I had a crush on that reciprocated. We've been through a lot, sharing experiences and thoughts and lots of other cliches too. I sort of identify my coming to terms with being gay with her and so now that she is dating men (in general, none specifically) I found myself acting like a bitch. (This of course may be related to my recent struggles with people accepting that I don't fancy men, and the fact that no one questions her.) She sort of surprised me, we were sitting at a table in the middle of things and she turned to me and said, isn't he kinda cute?

"mm?" (thinking I misheard a "she")

"That one, in the blue."

I didn't so much answer as turn to stare at her, then start laughing because surely this was a joke.

"I'm serious."

"Oh."

"I find some men attractive."

"Oh."

"You're being very quiet about this."

"Well. I'm a little surprised. How many men?"

"Only the cute ones...that was a joke."

"Oh."

"Quit looking at me like that."

"Didn't realize I was 'looking' any particular way."

"You know you are. Why are you acting like I've done something to hurt you personally?"

"I'm not. I'm just a little surprised."

Silence.

"OK, I'm a little hurt."

"Why? This shouldn't be something that affects you."

"Well it does. I don't know what to think now. So far as I knew you were a dyke and now you're telling me that you aren't? Or maybe you are, but you're bi? What exactly do you mean?"

"I don't know. I just find myself attracted to men sometimes."

"Just men? What's going on there? I thought you'd rather go without sex then have a dirty penis near you? Or were you just getting a little sick of going without sex?"

"That was unkind."

yeesh. Something must be up with my planets or stars or perhaps just general sanity since I seem to be doing a fantastic job of screwing up friendships and relationships lately.

Sleeping 24/7 (bar thirty minutes to write this)

2004-11-20T18:45:00.000+11:00

Had no idea exactly how stressed out I was until I noticed that my pants wont stay on anymore.

I'm five kilos lighter.

Currently consuming chocolate in ample quantities. Partly because I'm turning into a scrawny thing, partly because I'm too lazy to cook and don't want to buy food if I'm leaving soon and partly 'cause my R-which-is-not-an-R is ending.

It's ending because she's moving to another city (she finished university this year) and I'm leaving for America on Monday for a few months, effectively reducing our time together to one more night. Am I being a wimp about it? Yes. Am I trying to hide what I feel? Yes. Do I feel like a dropkick for doing this? Most definitely.

I know the first few weeks/months/dates etc make you feel all giddy, but I get butterflies and blush every time I see her. However, when she started saying that we could see each other on the weekends I don't think I reacted the way she anticipated. What I said could be pretty much summed up as "-"

Where I think she was looking for a "yes, oh definitely, that's a great idea, I'll buy a car so I can drive to see you."

Because I'm sort of in the bad books. Or was until about an hour ago when she called to say she was sorry for over reacting and that she wanted to spend the day with me tomorrow. The irritating thing is, she's not really over reacting. I talk a lot when I'm picking up with someone, and in the moment I say a lot of stuff that at other times I wouldn't dream of saying. Not that I don't think it-just that I'm a wuss the rest of the time, and don't like to put everything out there. Not too many people have the guts to get trampled.

Anyway, last time I spent the night she sort of alluded to a continuing of our um, "relationship" for lack of a better word and I may have been slightly more enthusiastic. I'm just scared of her, and when I'm being rational I know that things can't be long term with her.

Yes, I know that I can't know that, but I do anyway. She's told me a million times that she wants to get married and have kids and a husband. That she loves what we have, but that she needs a man (gag me with a shovel...) to feel safe. Since this is someone I am going nuts over, I keep pulling back because it kills me when it ends.

I act like it doesn't. I don't like to expose what I'm feeling to everyone around me, and so she doesn't know how much I care now. That's why I'm kinda scared.

Ho hum. Off to pack in preparation for moving and traveling...

She never was very reliable...

2004-11-17T23:31:00.000+11:00

Alright

It’s been awhile. A very long, intense procrastinating while. Apologies.

I have, in the past few weeks made some really drastic changes, not least of which is moving out. So unfortunately I’m going to be sporadic a while longer until some sort of steady internet resources is figured out (soon I hope.).

Also, I’ve been in the middle of a really satisfying relationship of sorts. Of course, it doesn’t go by the R-word, both of us are being all cool and saying it’s nothing really, but it has morphed into something. That’s not to say it hasn’t got an expiration date (Sunday night actually) because it does, and both of us know it. Also not to say that it has been monogamous, because it hasn’t.

Eh. What can I say? Although I’d like to be that kinda girl, I’m not. I can’t trust people enough to settle, and neither can she so I suppose that works out alright. Have to say though, I am getting attached despite my best efforts, and it’s sort of scary. She is too though so maybe not as scary as it would otherwise be.

This all sounds so ambiguous…I can’t help myself though, I’m totally out of my mind from study and stress and drinking too much and too many late nights. There has been lots of drama in the past few weeks, lots of it coming from exam stuff, lots coming from gossip type stuff.

There is sort of a problem between me and a girl that I don’t know, and if this sounds strange to you it sounds strange to me too so that makes two of us. She hates me apparently, ever since she met me briefly three years ago and I gave her “bad vibes”?

Who knows. What I do know is that she has been spreading really nasty rumours about me. Ones about me and her exBOYfriend because we happen to be friends. And some of our other mutual friends. As stupid as this sounds it is really damaging my reputation because, as I’ve said before, I’m not exactly your stereotypical lesbian and not everyone has been completely convinced that it’s a valid sexual identity. Yes, as you might imagine, that really pisses me off, and it really pisses me off that this girl has managed to piss me off.

I find her slimy and rotten with no sense of honesty or responsibility. She is spiteful, hurtful and a downright bitch in every sense of the word. At the same time, I pity her for what is obviously a pathetically insecure and woefully inadequate ego.

I don't know exactly what to do about it, but at least by moving out I won't have to be around her.

Rain rain go away

2004-11-11T18:16:00.000+11:00

I've been absentee due to enormous amount of cramming combined with my computer totally dying.

If anyone knows what it means when the screen is black, with a movable mouse arrow, but the computer won't turn off (other than the damned thing is sentient and out to get me...all of my summaries are on there...) I'd appreciate knowing also.

Apart from that I'm sick (of course) and have two exams to go.

So...big post coming up...lots and lots and lots has happened...just not today.

see y'all soon.

Patriotic fibrillation

2004-10-31T10:38:00.000+11:00

I have no idea what that means. I overheard part of a conversation between these women who were doing the mental equivalent of two muscle-heads flexing it out to see who's stronger. Or at least got bigger guns.

Apparently I have a weird kiss. I've got no complaints mind you (specific or general) but according to my critic I don't use an ordinary amount of tongue while kissing. I'd say no doubt that's true. I've always been of the school of thought that too much tongue is gross, and that the whole piston tongue action you get from some people is evil. The other thing that is gross is when you've got heads completely perpendicular so you can get right up in there and have a total mouth meld. Call me crazy but I need my private personal space even when smooching.

No kissing for me right now though because I've managed to get horribly disgustingly sick. Back to bed for me.

Movies that make you go, "Uh?"

2004-10-29T09:16:00.000+10:00

I went out to the movies yesterday to go see Coffee and Cigarettes, which has a brilliant title. I just didn't get the rest of the movie quite as well. The whole thing is about pairs of people at little tables with checked cloths drinking coffee while smoking and talking. Literally. That's it.

?

I like the end though.

Monday: Day of Embarrassment

2004-10-26T14:12:00.000+10:00

I got locked in the computer lab. I had to bang on the door for a good fifteen minutes before someone came and rescued me.

My phone rang during a tutorial and I ignored it. It rang again and I answered it. My friend K was late for the tutorial and didn't know where it was and so I had to talk to her all subtle like in the back of the room.

Sarah (Yes, that Sarah) came to visit me yesterday and I was talking to her about earrings. She was talking about a certain pair she owns and like an obsessive stalker I said "Oh, those are the ones you were wearing at your housewarming party." To which she raised an eyebrow and said that yes, she was wearing them then. And then she did that smile that says yes-you-still-like-me-don't-you-and-I'm-really-into-that-if-not-you.

The girl I took out for coffee called when another girl I went on a date with recently was in my room and I had to do the weird juggle moment

I have another hickey.

(Doh.)

Tall coffee of the day with every shot you've got

2004-10-25T19:05:00.000+10:00

(Oh yes...exam period time again...study sessions in the coffee shop and sugar highs)

"I think people are a lot like coffee"

"..."

"Don't look at me like that. They are."

"I'm not sure I see it."

"Well, I'm an expresso...you're a cappacino...S is a ice coffee...C is like a mocha...N's a frappacino...see what I'm saying?"

"Uh?"

"I've got a few really good friends, like an expresso. You have some good friends and some frothy social trash."

"I don't know any trash!"

"You know what I meant."

"So what's an ice coffee mean?"

"Cold, gives you a head ache"

"Mocha?"

"Bisexual...can't make up her damn mind between coffee and hot chocolate"

"Which is women?"

"Huh?"

"I'd say coffee is women.."

"No way. Chocolate is women."

"...coffee's more exciting..."

First date jitters

2004-10-24T22:57:00.000+10:00

I've been having a run of el stinko luck lately and it was starting to get me down so I thought that I had a few choices to pull myself out of the blue funk:

A) Buy a giant tub of chocolate ice cream, along with skittles and peanut m&ms then rent a couple of movies and pig myself into oblivion

B) Same thing but with alcohol and crap music at some club

C) Ask that really cute girl who works at the cafe nearby if she'd like to go catch a movie.

We saw Resident Evil 2 (which was stupid but fast moving) and had coffee too. I'm thinking that I definitely picked the best option, and I'm glad she said yes because generally the alternatives both wind up with me feeling sick.

Alphabet soup

2004-10-22T14:30:00.000+10:00

Lately I've been having a lot of day dream moments where I get caught up in memories that are disjointed and unconnected. Some of them are good, like the day I tried pumpkin ice cream in Pennsylvania in the autumn in the country. I don’t know whether it tasted good, I just like the idea of eating it on a road that had large white houses with black roofs all surrounded by red leaves.

Some of the memories are funny ones, like the time I went with a friend so that he could get a piercing done. He managed to pick the most intimidating shop, filled with black leather and studded collars, chaps and the odd whip. The guy who was doing the piercings there was a walking tattoo with a sprinkling of piercings of his own, and took one look at us before clearly thinking tourists. While I was standing amidst the kink the guy took my friend into the back of the store, got him to lie down and whispered something in his ear. My friend’s body went tense, the guy pierced him and we left.

“What did he say to you?”

“He said if I yelled or fainted he was going to pierce my nuts to my thigh.”

Some are kind of sad too, like the day of my grandfather’s service. I’m not especially close to any of my family, but I was with him since we were similar people. When I saw him he never launched into an attack of questions or comments about how much I’d grown, but instead we could be silent together and still get along. When he died I refused to cry, and at the funeral home my father and I were the only ones that didn’t, even though I was choking back so much my throat burnt.

Another unconnected thought I’ve been having is book titles. There are a few that I love, even though the books are not favorites…like All in the Blue Unclouded Weather, or Dandelion Wine. I think that actually, quite often I like the idea of things more than the reality and this is just another example.

A second example is the way I get involved with people. I do so well for the first few heady exciting days, and not so great after that. I love the idea of being in love, but the reality is too much for me? It’s hard to say because I don’t let it get to that point. Yes, easy to justify by saying I’m "not in a place in my life where I’m ready for that" yada yada but really, when is a person ever ready to pick The One?

I’ve not slept well for some time. Bad luck happens in three neh? Well, I’ve lost a friend, another has started to mutilate, and I’m just waiting for the third. Fingers crossed it’s a stubbed toe.

Awkward moment No. 52

2004-10-16T10:15:00.000+10:00

My worst coming out story.

I'd told my family. I'd told my friends. My ex found out on the grapevine and called to confirm

"Are you seriously a lesbian?"

"Yeah, I think I am."

"What do you mean you think you are?"

"Well, I haven't actually done anything with a girl yet, but I'd like to."

"Oh. You don't think that...that I'm...um..."

"What?"

"You know."

"No, what?"

"Girly."

"No. That's why I broke up with you stupid...if you were girly I coulda just pretended"

"Oh....Hey...I didn't make you gay did I?"

"What?!"

"I mean, it's not my fault is it?"

"No."

wanker

"This is kinda hot. You aren't bi are you?"

Is it wrong I hung up on him? I think not.

20 Things I learnt about myself this year

2004-10-14T10:14:00.000+10:00

In no particular order:

1) Pink and beige are "my colors"

2) I can eat Chinese food with chopsticks, but I will only get a third of what I’m trying to eat into my mouth, the rest will end up all over myself, my date and the restaurant proprietor

3) I either don’t cry at all or have horrible choking snotty loud as hell and ugly to boot crying

4) I do like asparagus after hating it for 21 years

5) I hate being judged solely on my sexuality, but I refuse to not tell people what I am (including little old men/women who "won't understand")

6)I will not let being a lesbian define my life…I will not only be friends with lesbians and I will not hate people because they’re judgmental (I’ll just think they’re wankers)

7) The c-word is my absolute least favorite

8) I hate washing dishes more than anything else in the kitchen (including peeling mushrooms)

9) I cannot wake up unless sunlight is coming into the room

10) I truly am addicted to coffee

(and pink donuts with sprinkles)

11) Sometimes I use reading as an escape

12) I have no self control when it comes to chocolate oranges

13) I can be selfish in bed sometimes

14) I snore (but only when I have a cold... I swear...)

15) I like singing when I’m by myself even if I don’t technically know the words

16) I don’t mind looking stupid anymore

17) Racism really pisses me off

18) Soda makes me burp

19) I get really guilty and upset when I say I’ll be somewhere and then I don’t make it

20) I'm not too good at admitting when I'm wrong, but I'm working on it.

.

2004-10-11T10:54:00.000+10:00

Last Tuesday a very good friend of mine died, and I've spent the last few days wondering what the hell just happened. I hadn't really spoken with her in a long time, and so I didn't really know what was going on in her life.

I miss her already.

einmal ist keinmal

2004-10-05T11:03:00.000+10:00

I've been reading the Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera, and this is a recurrent phrase in the book, it means: what happens but once might as well not have happened at all. His whole point to the book is that because we only have one life our decisions and choices are all made without knowledge of the consequences. And there isn't the same sense of responsibility when you only do something once; it's not like if you make a choice to leave someone you'll have to do it again and again and again. Only once.

Anyway. I think I'm not explaining the whole premise very well, but it's a good book. I just don't agree. The whole doing something into infinity sounds like a far more unbearable burden. Maybe that's just me?

Sometimes I don't like reading books like this because you can just see how brilliant the author is, and they always give me the feeling that I'm missing something. As though if I read it a little closer and spent a little more time thinking it over I'd get their point. I'm just going to sit here quietly and wait for my stroke of genius...

Escapism

2004-10-04T13:32:00.000+10:00

I was woken up Saturday morning at eight by loud thumping on my door. When I answered it, bleary eyed and scruffy headed it was a friend.

"I bring coffee and donuts."

Probably no other statement, other than (maybe) "the building is burning and I'm saving your life," would have prevented my killing him. Or at the very least, maiming.

So the reason this friend came to wake me up so early (yes, eight is early) was because he'd heard about the whole hickey fiasco, multiple times, and in multiple variations, and realized that I'd be upset and angry about it. He wanted to go to the coast for the day, figuring that maybe just a break from the situation would help, which it did. Even if it was too cold to go swimming the ocean is great for calming me down. The distance really helped also.

When we got back that night a bunch of my old friends and I went out to nightclubs and bars not frequented by many people who live here. My friends are really great people aren't they? I love 'em all.

Stuck in the middle with you...

2004-10-01T11:37:00.000+10:00

I like to think that I live with mature, reasonable adults but I'm just fooling myself.

I got a hickey the other week. It was ugly, it hurt getting it, and it was from a girl who admitted she was marking her territory. Yeah. I wasn't too impressed but then again, I'm easily pacified and she managed admirably. Everyone here abouts thought it was the funniest thing on earth because I generally keep my sex life to myself since I hate being the gossip du jour. Can't avoid it when you're sporting a hickey though.

As soon as it faded an eighteen year old guy that I know thought it would be really funny to give me another, which he did. I thought it was really emphatically not funny, and still do. It's equally as ugly, hurt just as much, and is starting some stupid trend as to who gets to give me the next one. All I can say is the next person is going to take a fist to the nose. But this is not why I'm extremely irked. I'm extremely irked because it seems that Mr 18 had something other than a joke on his mind. He is sleeping with someone my age (22) and she is apparently a bit of a psycho. I've a few friends that have become involved with her over the year, and all of them agree, so I don't blame him for wanting to get out of it. He asked my advice, I said, "If you aren't happy with the situation you should change it, talk to her and tell her you want to end it, or that she has to change the way she's treating you."

Did he do that?

No.

He gave me a great big ugly hickey thereby forcing a confrontation with this girl and putting me smack in the middle of a lover's quarrel where I have no right to be especially because I am a LESBIAN for fuck's sake and have NO INTEREST in boys in general and in particular IMMATURE ONES that have to suck on my NECK in order to get the subject raised since they don't have the cajones to bring it up on their own.

For Lease: one gender identity, slightly used, good quality, female.

2004-09-30T01:41:00.000+10:00

"I would have made such a good guy. I would have had a huge wang, muscles, very tall and extremely hot. Plus, I woulda been a cocky little bastard-and girls love that. I'd have had lots of chicks until I found one that you know... performed well, then I'd keep her around for a while."

I think she'd rather be a guy.

Unrelatedly
Two of my gay friends (B and M) who are a couple now had an interesting start to their flirtation. We had all been to a formal event, and a few days later were looking through the pictures. One of the girls (M) is your stereotypical lesbian... a baby butch if you will. She is very clearly gay to just about everyone except, apparently, my other friend (who I should add is not really gay so much as dating M currently). Anyhow, we came to a photo of M all dressed up in a pink dress, makeup etc, basically looking the opposite to how she usually does.

B: You look like such a dyke in this photo (laughs)
M: ...
me: ...
everyone in the room: ...
B: what?
M: I am a dyke.

And true love was born.

Monkey see.

2004-09-29T11:29:00.000+10:00

When I was younger a principle hobby of mine was climbing trees. We used to have a wattle tree next to our house (they're usually bushes rather than trees...have yellow flowers and brittle branches) that used to be a favorite for climbing, and one afternoon I was at the top with a friend. This put us nearly two stories up in the air, and although I loved climbing trees I wasn't stupid so I was right in next to the trunk, clinging on where the branches were strongest. Not my friend. She was dancing around on the outer twigs singing at the top of her voice, "I'm a monkey! I'm a monkeeeey! I'm a moooonkeeeey!"

And then she fell.

She hit branches the whole way down

uh

oh

uh

uh

uggghhhh.....(she hit the ground)

Conclusive proof that I'm evil: "MONKEYS DON'T FALL!!!!!!!"

She broke her arm.

oops.

Emotional Boogers

2004-09-28T16:07:00.000+10:00

You know how insanely frustrating it is when you go around with something in your nose or between your teeth, and no one wants to be the one to let you know? Then finally someone does tell you and you're forced to wonder how many of the people you talked to that day noticed it (all of them) and how many of them were actually laughing at your spinach mouth or drippy nose rather than your funny story (all of them).

So that's the basis of my analogy. Sometimes I indulge in over share and seem to have no inner monologue when trying to work out what I'm thinking or feeling. Although I'd rather think it's not true, I'm sure I've been guilty of an emotional booger...that is to say...displaying too much and not realizing it. A couple of days ago I happened to experience a friend's horrible public spewing forth of an emotional tirade. Don't get me wrong; I'm all for sharing your feelings. It's just that when you start in on how you used to date this guy who wanted nothing but sex and how inadequate it made you feel as a person, as though you were a "conveniently positioned hole," when talking to a guy you want to date that as a friend I feel like I should let you know that maybe you ought to go blow your nose. Or shut up. Whichever.

(I don't think I stopped her in time though.)

Virulent virus

2004-09-23T23:35:00.000+10:00

The internet is down at my university...

I have the world's largest hickey...

I gave blood the other day and I am tired from lack of iron...

PLUS the nurse wiggled the needle in my vein when the blood stopped to try and make it start again...OW

So...um...more later...hopefully soon.

I think I'm addicted 'cause I needed another hit of this writing thing.

Where's the cake?!?

2004-09-20T14:14:00.000+10:00

I got back from a twenty-first yesterday afternoon and fell asleep right away. Didn't even take off my shoes. The party was great, the people were witty and charming and the music fit the mood. There was, however, no birthday cake.

None.

Not even a cupcake. What the hell kinda birthday party is it without the cake?

It was good, but it woulda been great with a cake.

Anyway, I went with a friend, and she ended up picking up two of my other friends (who she didn't know before) within the space of an hour. It was great. Both of the guys think that she's amazingly hot and really want to date her, but she was just having a good night. I love it when roles are reversed like that.

Honestly, I'm trying to think of something funny that happened, but either it was all inside jokes or I was just too drunk to remember.

PS Perm: a lady never tells!

Ego trip.

2004-09-17T18:17:00.000+10:00

I've been so naughty about writing lately. There is an excuse though. I haven't been in my room too much. At all. No no. Don't ask. I won't tell.

Except to say I'm pretty happy right now.

Slightly confused and bewildered, a tiny bit disgruntled, but pretty cheery anyway. Confusion comes from who to see since suddenly there are multiple dates, bewilderment comes from some surprising dates.

The disgruntled thing comes from a sudden reappearance of someone that I fancied very much, lets call her Jane, who has apparently suffered a fit of jealously. I wanted to date her for a long time, and got no where, which is okay, sometimes it isn't meant to be. Yesterday though, Jane stopped by to see me and I was already entertaining a guest, to whom she was pretty rude.

So here's the thing, I don't think maturity is everything, but it's really important. Because I don't like dating people who need to tickle for a good half hour before they feel comfortable with kissing. I don't like dating people who say the opposite to what they mean. I don't like being lied to, cheated on, or in anyway made to feel as though I was a fool for trusting. I don't think it's funny to fail classes repeatedly. If you don't like a course, switch out of it.

I don't like having to deal with ex issues, mommy-didn't-love-me-enough problems or any other emotional baggage that I shouldn't have to apologize for. Not only because I didn't do it to you, but because you should be able to get over it when someone hurts you. My purpose in life is not to stroke your ego, and I'm not going to. If that's a problem, then things aren't going to work.

I just got off the phone with Jane, she called me to "talk." She wanted to know who that was in my room? Did I see them often? Well, how often? Did they ever stay over? What did that mean? Was I going to see them again tomorrow?

So, like I said...maturity is important, and this pretty much means that as attractive as Jane is, she's not one of these potential dates.

Inevitability

2004-09-15T09:56:00.000+10:00

When I was a teenager I used to date people-not-from-my-town because I tried to avoid the gossip and messy confusion of keeping track of exes and no dating periods so as not to step on anyone's toes. Anyway, this led to all sorts of problems when it came to actually seeing boyfriends, since I couldn't drive and the train station was a fair hike away. So we used the phone a lot, to talk (sometimes I'm baffled as to why guys stay in relationships with younger girls because it's all the headtrips and none of the good stuff). One guy that I dated, we'll call him Ted, used to be ok with this, he'd call and talk for hours.

The only downside is that while he was talking he'd go online and look at porn.

But, you know, I was cool with that. To each his own. At least until the day we broke up.

"Hey, guess what I'm doing?"

"I don't know?"

"I'm checking out this really cool website."

"Mmm."

"I think I'm going to add it to my favorites. This is great."

"Uh huh."

"There's a guy fucking a chicken!!"

...

...

...

"I have to go. Bye. Oh. I think we should see other people. Bye."

I wanna be a supermodel...

2004-09-14T20:08:00.000+10:00

...except I like food too much. Damn.

I have been asked to model before. Usually I say, "no."

Mostly because I hate to have my photo taken. And also because the idea gives me the willies.

Today I got asked to be a hair model for some hair week thingy going on. I said yes this time because they said they'd pay me. What can I say? The caramel slice blew my budget (not the going out to clubs thing, as you might suspect if you weren't otherwise informed). I'm thinking I may have given away that I'm more of the feminine type lesbian than the stereotypical shaved head, tattooed, motorcycle type lesbian. Yeah...I wear skirts and heels and makeup too.

Jewelry.

Perfume.

I carry a handbag (sometimes anyway).

I suck at sports.

Generally, I don't hate men just because they're men.

I have no random piercings.

I own pink clothes, and stuff that's sparkly.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. Being a hair model. I said I would, but then remembered that I'm supposed to go to a twenty-first birthday instead. Oops. Guess it wasn't meant to be and I'll have to continue in my utterly unglamorous non-model lifestyle.

Stomach of steel.

2004-09-13T23:52:00.000+10:00

I spent today with my sister. She called me early to complain about a lack of finances, and I suggested that she not look to me for salvation because I'm broke too.

We then decided to celebrate by pooling our resources and having a coffee and caramel slice in town. Well...I decided to have coffee, and she decided to O.D. on sugar. Only, she's one of those people that can't do anything unless someone does it with them, so she ordered two caramel slices. I think it should be illegal to make something that rich, gooey, and sweet, but if someone puts food in front of me, I eat it. Anyway, while eating we watched in a combination of horror and disgust while a baby jumped all over this guys lap, drooling in his ear and making horrible screamy sounds. The worst came when the thing stuck it's hand in it's mouth and then shoved the spitty thing into his eye. During all this my sister is talking about how a c-section is really the way to go nowadays, absolutely nobody does vaginal birthing anymore.

Only one thing for that sort of situation, and that's more food, in ample enough quantities that you can form a physical barrier to the sort of revulsion that you get when hearing your sister say "I'm going to be so drugged up I'm not going to feel them pull the little parasite outta my stomach."

So we went to the supermarket and got chips of the variety you eat cold, and also those you have to cook (for 25 minutes if you can believe that...convenience my ass.) and soda and jellybeans. We got back to my room where we watched a Hannibal movie and ate lots of junk. Would it surprise anyone to know that I am feeling slightly nauseated now? Because it surprised my sister. She reckons it's a sign of impending old age.

Cohabitation

2004-09-12T13:58:00.000+10:00

Potential plus: not having to cook for myself.

Potential minus: waiting for the bathroom in the morning.

I went and saw the village last night, and hey, you know how it is with scary movies. Getting jumpy leads to holding hands leads to snuggling leads to I got a dinner invitation. Go me. I hate cooking, so this was really wonderful. Actually, I tell a lie. Cooking isn't so bad. It's just the limitations you face when your ingredients list is mostly carrots and noodles.

So, I had a healthy dinner that was balanced and vegetarian and so today I celebrated with a snack machine breakfast. (I don't know who I should thank for my metabolism but thank you so so much!!)

After eating dinner we found her place cold, and it was kinda early so we came back to my place to watch some movies. She kept trying to stick her cold hands on me, and so I stuck mine on her and so on and so forth, long story short I ended up pinned to the bed. Kinky neh?

Not really. Ok.

Well, it was a mild pick up but that's all good. Fun and all that. Only downside now is I can't get into my bathroom because she stayed the night and is occupying it.

Still, on the whole worth it I'd say. Just not on a permanent basis.

Oil and water

2004-09-11T13:09:00.000+10:00

Oh so hung over.

Only up because my grandparents called me at 9.

"Good morning!!"

"Mmm. Hello?"

"Where you in bed!?"

"Mmm. No." why do I feel the need to lie about this?

"That's good, your grandmother made me wait until now to call you!! I told her you'd be up!!"

"Uh."

"I'm sending you a package, it should get there next week!!"

"Ok, I'll keep my eyes out for it."

"What's going on in your life these days!?"

Oh, nothing really, I went out and got absolutely fucked last night, it was awesome, you should have been there, really, it was a great night out. Oh, and then at around 4:00 I managed to make it back to the college with a whole crew of people and we just sort of dawdled around, eating toasted cheese sandwiches until someone said we should all go and watch this hilarious porn they have, so we all tramped off to do that. And after watching maybe half an hour of this porn and getting melted cheese and crumbs over everything in this person's room we all decided that hell, we may as well just stay up and watch the sunrise. So we all took off from the college and stood around outside waiting for the sun, sobering up a bit from the cold air. Nobody realizing we were watching in the wrong direction and so clearly not all that sober. Yeah. It was great. I plan to do essentially the same thing at least 6 times a week for the next two weeks. Should be awesome.

"Oh...not much...I have a study break at the moment."

"Oh wonderful!! I used to love catching up on my studies during those!! A little more knowledge is always a good thing!!"

I swear, I have NONE of the same genes as this man.

Slimy teeth

2004-09-10T16:27:00.000+10:00

(Not mine.)

I was at the bus stop the other day when this old guy with seriously slimy teeth and patchy white hair walked up to me and said, "It's a wonderful day today! Do you know why it's a wonderful day today?"
"Uh. No."
"Because I've met you!"

Creepycreepycreepycreepycreepy.

"Have you heard the joke about the roof?"
"Uh. No."
"It's over your head!"

Silence on my part.

"Do you get it?"
"Yeah, I got it."
"Did you hear the one about Heaven?"
"No."
"It's cool!"

(?!?)

"My name's Paul."
"Hey, great to meet you Paul."
"You're pretty."

And I was out of there for an hours walk home. There is only so much creepy old man a girl can take.

In other news...I had a date that went fantastically well and am going out again tomorrow with the same girl. I have no more exams, essays or lab reports and two weeks of no class. There is a party tonight and I'm to go out afterwards with a couple of people I did crew with.

Uni is definitely the life for me (excepting a couple of weeks around the exam periods..)

Strategizing

2004-09-06T22:33:00.000+10:00

Ways to get out of taking a test as suggested by pow wow of friends trying to get me to "calm the fuck down":

1) Go in, set pens out nice and orderly, take off pants and fold them and put under chair before sitting down. When asked why pants are off reply, "I think better this way."

2) Go into exam, take in goldfish, small bowls of rice, scented candles, gold bells and other assorted spiritual paraphernalia. Set up shrine to goldfish, god of chem answers.

3) Take in magic 8 ball.

4) Kill/maim someone and get arrested

5) Take off socks and tie them around head then put war paint on face to psych myself up for "smashing the test"

6) Bribe the old folks who walk around making sure you take the test

7) Drop the course if it's that painful.

All irrelevant now, however, because I am finally done with the exam. Just have to worry about biotechnology now.

Why Karma will bite me in the ass when I have kids

2004-09-04T22:57:00.000+10:00

My sister and I were the bane of every babysitter's life. In fact, I think I can say that we never had a babysitter that we didn't make cry at least once. Not that I'm proud of this at all. Maybe a little.

The best one ever was when we met the babysitter at the door dressed like devils in one piece pajamas (with feet), tails attached, and horns made out of cardboard and head bands. She rang the doorbell, and when mum let her in she saw the pair of us, nonchalantly leaning against the wall, spinning our tails. I like to think she got the first shivers then.

Probably not. But it was only a matter of time since we had decreed it Opposite Night. Now, normally this backfires as soon as the babysitter (or any authority figure) figures out the game, but we added a twist by making it Opposite-to-what-you-want-us-to-do Night. Such bright little things. So precocious.

At dinner we ate dessert first, not such a big thing, but still, not what we were told to do. We managed to make an enormous mess out of dinner because, having eaten dessert first (with seconds) we didn't have room for it, and so had a minor food fight.

When we went downstairs to play we tied the babysitter up and wouldn't let her go. What kind of adult lets children tie them up? A naive one. We threw a bucket of water on her. Mwah ha ha.

Then there was a bit of regret. We didn't want to get in trouble. So we put her clothes in the dryer for her, and sat down to watch t.v. Of course, we couldn't agree on what to watch, and so eventually there was a channel war between the babysitter and us.

Eventually, despite holding out longer than most, she broke down and we went to bed victorious again.

This is why when I babysit, I let the kids do whatever they want short of life-threatening shenanigans...if they're not yours, you don't have to deal with the belly-aches later.

Weird moment

2004-09-04T01:24:00.000+10:00

Girls are really attractive. Ok, "hot."

I get away with "checking out" other girls a lot, probably more because even straight girls do it then any subtlety on my part.

I don't check out guys. Usually. Yeah. That's the weird moment.

Weird weird weird weird weird.

'Course, I was the only one who did think he was attractive...all my girlfriends agreed that he wasn't unless you happened to be blind/drunk/blind-drunk.

People watching

2004-09-03T14:36:00.000+10:00

I have moved from my desk in the corner to the table in front of the window. It was a forced move since apparently my desk has exploded. There are stacks of paper so high that they fall to the floor quite often, especially at 3 in the morning. The paper on the floor is slowly encroaching on my table by the window, and in turn the papers on the table are leaping to the bed. I am being taken over by a wave of chem notes.

I don't have nearly so many for any other subject I have ever taken. In fact, I don't think I generated this many notes the entire year last year.

So now that I'm sitting at the table by the window I can see people walk by all the time. So far there are...

...the science people, who are all kinda hungry looking and wearing birkenstocks. With socks...

...some arts students, and they're all kind of relaxed looking. Surely not going to class...

...couple of law students who look very serious and wear very nice clothes (how do they afford it?!? I am eating carrots this week. I wish I knew their secret.)...

...an old couple who were arm in arm. Awww.

Coffee (lots of it) and chocolate (enough to induce diabetic coma)

2004-09-02T12:08:00.000+10:00

I really hate cramming. And yet. I cram.

But thats not what I want to write about. I want to write about the weirdness that is backstage pick ups. Why is it that there is more flirting backstage then anywhere else? Apart from maybe the lighting booth since they have privacy up there.

Crew seems to be a really male dominated activity which is cool by me since it means I don't have to carry all the heavy set pieces. Then again, the drawback of being the only girl backstage is I get hit on. Yeah, pretty funny for a while, and then not so humorous. It sort of all relates back to a situation like this

I'd say probably 80% of guys get the point then. Why only 80%? Well, of the rest some think it's a way to impress guys, some ask if you're into threesomes, and some think it's just a way of brushing them off.

No, really, I'm not procrastinating.

2004-08-31T17:06:00.000+10:00

Should I be worried that the daily quote on the chem faculty site was "In the long run we are all dead." (John Maynard Keynes)?

Know when sometimes you have a conversation with someone and you are clicking so well you know exactly what they're thinking and where they're coming from?

Such a weird feeling, but it really woke my brain up. Why are there not more of these people around?

Just say "no"

2004-08-30T15:31:00.000+10:00

Not too long ago I was asked to stage manage for a production that's being put on at one of the theaters on campus (I was asked because I have four years experience at being on stage crew, and six times the stage manager). I said no, sorry, I have a chemistry midsemester and can't afford the time comittment.

"Okay then, thanks anyway" they said.

But then I found out they'd made a guy, who had zero experience stage managing before (and in fact, his stage crew experience was limited to one production), stage manager, and he was very panicky. And then another friend asked me why I wouldn't be the stage manager, since I have experience at it. I explained about the midsemester, but she said that he was "fucking everything up."

Oh.

I said I'd be on the crew to help, and maybe things would go more smoothly with another person, which they did. So everything worked out peachy fine in the end.

EXCEPT THE MINOR PROBLEM THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO STUDY

Good day for a good mood.

2004-08-23T13:29:00.000+10:00

Last night I had an arguement with the Last Man I ever had intimate relations with. He calls me from time to time, because he likes to talk with me. He says they are pretty deep and intelligent conversations. I go along with it because I think he's pretty damn funny and interesting. Anyway. We were talking about judging people, something I never do and he does. It went from an intelligent conversation to a pseudo-debate to an argument.

So that sucked a lot. I don't like arguing. I'm an academic. Debating is more my thing. I talk. You talk. I rebut. You rebut. That put me off last night.

Woke up this morning happy though because for the first night in a long time there was no 4:00a.m. fire alarm.

Went to my first lecture. I had been warned about this lecturer. I was told that time well and truly slowed down. I was a doubter, but not any more. He really is so boring that he could be dead. Only it might be interesting to have a dead person talking, and he's not that interesting, so maybe not.

But then walking to my next class I took the scenic route and it was all sunny and warm and a light breeze and the blossom trees are out and there were parrots flying around and it was nice.

And then we talked about the Halocaust.

But then I went back to my room to make myself lunch and I had a stir fry just 'cause I felt like it (ordinarily I eat raw vegetables because I hate, hate, washing dishes).

And burnt myself on the stove. And now I am preparing for a lab class this afternoon, and I'm not too fond of labs, but what the hell, I'm still in a pretty good mood.

Must remember to diversify

2004-08-21T12:04:00.000+10:00

...he must have felt that he had lost the old warm world, paid a high price for living too long with a single dream. He must have looked up at an unfamiliar sky through frightening leaves and shivered as he found what a grotesque thing a rose is and how raw the sunlight was upon the scarcely created grass. A new world, material without being real, where poor ghosts, breathing dreams like air, drifted fortuitously about...
F. Scott Fitzgerald (the Great Gatsby)

This whole Sarah thing isn't the first time I've been disappointed with the way things worked out with a girl. And I asked around a little. I don't think I'm alone on that. Picture the difficulties of dating as an adolescent when you're straight, now times by n, and you've got the problems that a young gay faces. Does it get better with age? Not in the early twenties...

You get used to the let downs, the insults, the are-you-straightness? There comes a point where you aren't willing to give your all for a person anymore. No doubt everyone reaches this, you get hurt enough times, it's inevitable. I guess maybe one day I'll find someone who brings back that first love feel, but until then I don't make love the center focus of my life. That way a disappointment isn't the end of the world.

Don't cry for me Argentina

2004-08-20T11:01:00.000+10:00

I have reached the point of general annoyance. Sarah and I went out to dinner, and it was good. At least, it was good when she was actually in my vicinity instead of about two meters ahead of me, or behind me...or hanging around with her house mates so that we couldn't talk.

So despite her being absolutely beautiful and fun to pick up I had to give that sort of general, no, I don't think things are going to work between us...why not? Well, because you're obviously not comfortable with it speech.

Yes, I have given this speech before. I really hate being the experiment sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, there are pros to it to, in that there are a lot of very attractive girls out there who are "bi-curious" whatever the hell that means. And being the person they test out these feelings on is pretty enjoyable at the time. The massive downside comes about two days later when they get weird...realize that, actually, they aren't bi or curious anymore and try to avoid me at all costs.

Now, if I thought I was being a sleaze I would understand this, but the fact is, it's not me that does the picking up. Also, maybe I could understand this if I was trying to get into a relationship, but I'm not doing that either.

I guess you should learn something every day, and what I've learnt today is that women really are bloody annoying when it comes to actually telling you what they think instead of avoiding the topic.

P.S. Sarah's reaction?

"No, it's really not the girl thing, I just don't want a relationship right now. But maybe next time we get drunk..." giggling nervously

Mm. Thanks but no thanks.

Things to do before I die...

2004-08-15T21:46:00.000+10:00

(Written at age 17)

...learn to speak Spanish
learn to speak French
make a souffle
write a book
buy a house
live in a city
go out with a girl---> (evidently there was some self knowledge at 17...)
make a cake from scratch
decorate a house/apartment however I want
go to Prague
live in a foreign country for a year
do something really nice for someone who will never know
do a guest lecture
plant a tree
invent a recipe
find someone who compliments me perfectly

progress:

Three years of Spanish lessons...yield: Donde el bano? (where is the bathroom) and No tengo dinero! (I don't have any money)

Maybe didn't write a book, but managed to sell a notebook full of economic notes and a notebook of biology notes. Surely that counts for something.

Dated a girl

Made a cake from scratch.

Invented a whole bunch of recipes, but the majority were drunken events and so, unfortunately (or fortunately), no recollection.

Lost the last vestiges of romanticism and will now settle for "suits me ok"

Friday the 13th: not so scary after all

2004-08-14T19:48:00.000+10:00

The other day I happened to be out with some of my friends and Sarah. Who I guess is technically a friend, but fits into that sort of hazy "we hooked up and don't know what that means so we're trying to just go back to being friends" category.

Or did. (Da da da daaa...)

Despite heroic effort on my part I was sort of flirting. She kind of played along. Mm.

When she said she had to leave because she had to work the next morning, I offered to walk her to the taxi stand. We got around the corner and she kissed me. Not that I didn't return it after about 5 milliseconds of absolute shock.

Supposedly we are going to dinner on Monday. I have my doubts. She gets nervous about the whole lesbian thing. Doesn't she know it's very chic right now?

Ho hum. At least the kiss was fun.

Not over till the fat lady sings

2004-08-08T13:16:00.000+10:00

"There is no such thing as a weird human being. It's just that some people require more understanding than others." -Tom Robbins (Another Roadside Attraction)

Last night I got a text message, it said "I'm watching a really crazy ballet. There is a guy in a wheelchair rolling around and killing people."

I was so excited. I spent a long time wondering whether to return the text...Should I? What is that supposed to mean? It can't hurt right? So I did. I returned the text.

And got a phone call.

(!)

"Do you want to go to a movie tomorrow?"

much stuttering and such from me.

"I saw an ad for it and thought you'd like to go see it. So would you?"

"Yeah, sure, I'd love to."

"Great, how about the 4:40 show?"

I will give you three options as to who this caller was:

1) The Easter bunny
2) The chem lab nerds
3) Sarah (Pomegrante love), who I admit still makes my heart beat maybe two thousand times faster than appropriate for a friendly call. Damnit damnit damnit.

Stand-up (Sit-down!)

2004-08-07T13:14:00.000+10:00

I would love to be a standup comedian. That would be my ideal job. Only two things stand in my way:

1) Shaking on stage. It's not so much a fear of public speaking, I just get shaky and twitchy. Not a real good look.

2) No comedic timing.

So, I just have to satisfy myself with the two best jokes on earth. They are:

Two muffins are sitting in an oven, the first muffin says to the second, "Gee, it's hot in here isn't it?"

The second muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

OK, second joke

A chicken and an egg are sitting in a bed, sheets all over the place, smoking cigarettes. The chicken looks really pissed off and huffy, turns to the egg and says, "Well at least we answered that question!"

Unfortunately, despite being one of the best jokes of all time, this usually needs an explanation, so just think of the question, "What came first: the chicken or the egg?" and then read the joke again. Funny.

How I lost my inheritance

2004-08-07T12:39:00.000+10:00

When I was home and visiting my parents during my last break I had, for me, the most warped sleep hours. A diet of coffee, coke and anything that didn't require cooking (ie snack machine fare) meant that all I could do for a few days was sleep. And when that sort of settled a bit I was waking up at 6:30.

I am definitely not a morning person, and despite waking up without an alarm clock at 6:30 I was still not fully functional until maybe 12.

One morning I got up, made it to the coffee machine downstairs and got a cup, turned around to go sit at the counter and stepped in cat sick.

...

Since it was so early this didn't really register the way it ordinarily would (ie where's the damn cat, I'm going to skin it!) so I just stuck my foot out the door and hosed it off, picked up my coffee and sat down on the other side of the counter, facing the kitchen. At about 7:00 mum came in, and I was still drinking my coffee (I like it cold, is that weird?). She pottered around the kitchen a bit, getting her breakfast together. Some coffee. Came to sit down at the counter and stepped in the cat spew.

"Ohhh. That's what I meant to tell you!"

"Well, why didn't you tell me?"

I shrugged with one of those sheepish don't hate me grins.

"Why didn't you at least put a paper towel over it if you weren't going to clean it up?!?"

"That's a good idea."

"Stop smiling it isn't funny."

Kinda is though, isn't it?

Who says labs are boring?

2004-08-06T23:24:00.000+10:00

I have been called a science nerd before, but only by friends and family in what I hope was a joking tone.

A real science nerd is like the guy who's lab bench is across from mine in chem.

"What colour would you say this is?" Holding up his titrated wine sample

"Uh...kind of a peach yellow?" He was doing white wine, I was doing red. Mine was an evil tar colour.

"Really?"

"Uh...yeah." Really hoping this isn't some kind of weird pick-up scenario he's cooked up.

"I was thinking 'Dehydrated urine.'"

I stared. Blatantly.

"nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh snort."

Oh yes, he snorted. And that my friends is a Science Nerd.

Captain Planet, Giraffes and Know-it-alls

2004-07-30T10:52:00.000+10:00

A friend of mine was working on an assignment for her biotechnology and ethics class the other day, and thought I would be interested in reading the papers she was using to back up her argument. One was about the footprint we leave on the world: all the garbage we generate, electricity used, corporations we support that go on the pollute etc. Another was about the advances made in human knowledge (doubling every ten years apparently) and another was about Gaia (Sarong wearing lady in Captain Planet). This is a theory of superentity in the way that we're entities. The paper described it as we're made up of colonies of interacting cells forming organs that work together to keep us alive and within a comfortable range of conditions. Supposedly there is Gaia, the equivalent to ourselves on a global scale.

My first reaction was to laugh and question what drugs precisely would cause you to think that there is some sort of earth spirit looking out for us all. And if there is one, what the hell has she been doing these past few decades? You'd think the whole destroying the environment thing might be something this Gaia would want to look into?

On further thinking though, I changed my mind. I laugh at the idea, but that's because I'm thinking in terms of how our bodies interact to keep us healthy, and how there isn't really a parallel with a planet. Of course, this is really an example of how scientist turn into intellectual snobs. Just because I think the theory is a bunch of rot doesn't mean that everyone else is going to clearly see it that way. And my standard response of "there's nothing to support that belief" isn't going to cut much ice with those who do believe.

Combine this with an incident that happened a while ago where I was trying to explain Darwin's theory of evolution and genetics in that context to a different friend. I was saying that your parents genes give you potential, and the environment affects that potential and the result is you. The best individuals then go on to have the most babies and spread their potentially great genes around a little more. After explaining all this I went on to contrast this with Lamarck's theory of evolution were a giraffe that stretches it's neck out to reach a tall branch will throughout the course of its life get a longer neck, and then will pass this on to its babies. (haha)

She thought that was a better theory.

Just another reminder that scientists are not great at communicating their knowledge to the wider population and that's no doubt where the crazy scientist screwing with nature issues start.

Rabid Political Views

2004-07-27T21:58:00.000+10:00

Or not...

The student newspaper was published today. Of 46 pages there are a total of 4 that contain anything remotely relevant to those aspects of student life that don't involve drinking or sex. The most political statement I found was in the scavenger hunt section, item 21: Weapons of mass destruction. That's not even a good joke.

I'm not going to have any good stories to torture my kids with when I'm old and withered.

Last minute review

2004-06-20T23:18:00.000+10:00

Friend one: has anyone else noticed that "Great tits" is kinda a dirty name for birds?
Friend two: yeah, haha
Me: I just thought it was a waste of a great name...
One: you would!

Later that day...

Two: ask me a question! I know everything there is to know about this class!
Me: a hard one?
Two: do I ever tell the truth? an easy one please.
Me: okay. tell me about the Chaseaway model.
Two: ...
Me: do you want a hint?
Two: thought you'd never ask.
Me: toxic sperm
One: is that why cum tastes so bad?

and later still...

Me: I can't remember the difference between all these stupid terms.
One: okay. first there's polygyny, and that's like one guy and lots of girls. I remember that by thinking of a harem. then there's polyandry, and that's one girl and heaps of guys. I remember that by thinking of S_____ (Oh so true!!). then promiscuity I think we all know and love. polygynandry is like a community of people who all have sex together. that's like living on campus, or in a trailor park. oh, and monogamy is like the religious people on campus who don't have sex so get married really early.
Me: ohhhh.

Outside the exam venue as a law exam is getting out a guy did what could only be called the Evil Knevil of tripping and falling over a road barrier. He did a full flip, hit his head and ended up on his ass in mud. Funny stuff I thought...

Creepy law student to friend: Hey do you think he could sue for that?

Schedule for the next few days:
Tomorrow: study
Day after: test
Afternoon of day after: uni bar

All good things come to an end...

2004-06-19T15:04:00.000+10:00

Two tests down, one to go.

Things I have learnt this exam period:

1) My lecturer for Evolutionary Ecology uses a purse despite being a guy.
2) The entire Ecology department wears birkenstock sandels in winter, with socks.
3) These socks don't necessarily match.
4) You need to be inhuman to understand chemistry.
5) I am not inhuman.
6) Tempers wear thin during exam periods, and maybe practical jokes won't go over as well as they might otherwise have.
7) Everyone who has finished already deserves torture and possibly death.
8) Especially the arts students.
9) Too much coffee means killer withdrawal headaches when you ease off the caffeine.
10) Going out during the exam period is a bad idea.
11) Especially if you have a test the next day.
12) Your alarm clock WILL self-destruct at some point during the night when you really really really have to wake up the next morning.
13) Some of the course material I may or may not be reading for the first time is actually kinda interesting. Who'd a thunk it?

Three and a half days and counting!!!!

Four days left before exams begin.

2004-06-10T15:06:00.000+10:00

Wake up

(sort of)

Make it to kitchen.

Spill coffee on floor

Wonder if 5 second rule applies to coffee?

Decide maybe not.

Glance at clock.

double-take

4:30

Hmm...

Back to bed.

Moral of the story: late night cramming = confused circadian rhythms

Exam Period Diet

2004-06-05T11:21:00.000+10:00

Cooked pasta: an easy yet tasty meal

Dry pasta: bad idea.

Few short of a full deck.

2004-06-02T21:28:00.000+10:00

I’m not crazy. Just so we’re clear from the start. I have, however, spent time in a mental hospital with actual loonies. In a hospital like that everyone is nuts, and not just the patients. The profession just seems to attract them.

My first day or so were spent on suicide watch. For the uninitiated that means a room with a glass wall facing the nurses’ station so you’re never out of sight. Your bed is in a room with a glass window in the door and no light switch. Twenty-four hours of florescent lights: if you weren’t out of it before you will be now. Suicide watch also means a bagel and cream cheese with a plastic spoon to spread it for breakfast and some eccentric room-mates.

I had two. A man whose name I don’t know and Alvin. Alvin and I played cards. I only knew how to play solitaire, so Alvin taught me poker. Alvin seemed normal enough to me, a bit upset that he was there, but who wouldn’t be? He didn’t harp on it or anything, just got to talking about cards. Once the basics were learnt I guess he felt the need to keep talking because he kept up a prattle all on his own. The most he got out of me was a smile or nod.

His favorite topic was leather; apparently he wanted to open a leather goods store, Salsa Leathers. He told me that he’d give me a job if I ever needed one. Considering he didn’t own a store, that it was just a figment of his imagination at this point, and it didn’t seem feasible to believe this particular fantasy was coming true anytime soon, I took his offer with a polite smile and silent “whatever you say.”

There was a bit of a lull in our conversation, lasting until I won three hands in a row.

“Are you sure you ain’t a card shark or sumptin’?”

“No, I’ve never played before. Must be beginners luck.”

A dry laugh and an almost crazy look. “Yeah. Must be luck.”

Hmmm. Note to self, lose next hand. “So…are you married?” Distraction is a very useful skill in the teenage repertoire.

“Yeah.” Shuffling the cards now, “Yeah, I love her so much. She’s a real beautiful woman. On the inside too ya know?”

Oh yeah. So she’s ugly. “Oh, that’s always good.” He was doing that shuffle where you hold the deck, take a few cards from the front and drop them through the deck. Staring at his hands, I saw his style go from that at a nice slow easy pace to slamming the cards around and dropping them all over the table and floor.

“Fuck-ing bitch…goddamned… it’s her fault I’m in here she’s so full of shit told the cops she was afraid of me her and her bitch mother actin’ like I’m scary or sumptin’ when I told her I love her so much I’d never hurt her.” The card shuffling slowed. “Yeah. I really love my wife so much I’d never do anythin’ to hurt her ever.”

Eyes going all milky soft and gooey. Then suddenly, “Fucking bitch I should wring her scrawny bitch neck.”

“Ah. So…where in the city are you going to open your shop?” Oh so subtle.

“Queens I think. I guess Manhattan would be better, but I can't afford that.”

“Right.”

“I’m goin’ to open it as soon as I get out of here”

“That’s great.”

Says Tom

2004-05-31T14:22:00.000+10:00

i had my bike broken yesterday
and a bit of my heart but only a little bit
and i think it will be better
with time

and situations confuse me but i shall come through
and if not i'll be
bitter like the rain but rain is beautiful sometimes as well
even if it is not as sweet as you'd like it.

Backwards-walking people

2004-05-30T14:01:00.000+10:00

This is not a metaphor and I swear it’s true.

In high school I was friends with a whole bunch of kids whose one way of killing time was to smoke up. They were all older than I was, had been friends for a long time before I met up with them, and consequently had a shared history. I was an excuse to pull out all these old incidents and replay them in graphic (and I suspect) exaggerated detail, which is why when they told me about the backwards walking people I thought they were having me on. So here’s what they told me:

Late at night, around two or three am, around town you see these people in trench coats.
There’s two of them, and you see them walking along the streets, but something seems a bit wrong.
And it’s not just the trench coat in summer!
Yeah, and so when they get closer you can see that they’re wearing those dust mask things on their faces.
And they’re walking BACKWARDS.

Mmm. Sure guys.

No, really. Scottie went and talked to them once. They said they do it for the exercise.

I didn’t believe this at all until last summer when I happened to be home for a few weeks. After a night out with the ladies I was driving home by myself, stopped at a street light and low and behold, the backwards-walking people in all their creepy, crazy, glory.

Bar talk

2004-05-29T21:35:00.000+10:00

When getting hit on people usually ask what you do,

I study genetics.

This revelation generally elicits some comment about how distasteful science/math were in high school, and believe me, I don't disagree. The second comment (at least from men) is usually something like: Am I going to go bald? I heard its genetic.

For all those fearful of incipient baldness: yes, it's genetic. If your father is bald it doesn't matter, but if you're a guy and your mother is losing her hair then you're screwed. If you're a girl it's more complicated, so I won't bore you.

Another interesting genetic fact: males are going to go extinct, and we'll have to evolve another way to reproduce. True!

My personal philosophy (as written by others)

2004-05-29T14:36:00.000+10:00

As said Jack Kerouac:
...they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...

And F. Scott Fitzgerald:
In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.
'Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.'
He didn't say any more, but we've always been unusually communicative in a reserved way, and I understand that he meant a great deal more than that. In consequence, I'm inclined to reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me...Reserving judgments is a matter of infinite hope. I am still a little afraid of missing something if I forget that, as my father snobbishly suggested, and I snobbishly repeat, a sense of the fundamental decencies is parceled out unequally as birth.

And Franz Kafka:
You don't need to leave your room.
Remain sitting at your table and listen.
Don't even listen, simply wait.
Don't even wait.
Be quite still and solitary.
The world will freely offer itself to you.
To be unmasked, it has no choice.
It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.

My Life as a Lesbian

2004-05-28T22:28:00.000+10:00

"Mum, Dad, I'm gay"

Ha.

Who wants to have that conversation? Nobody. It is not liberating. Your parents don't want to know about your sex life whether you be gay, straight, bi or kinky. You don't want your parents to know about your sex life either. This conversation is not nearly as bad as the one you have with random people who think that you aren't gay.

Them: So, do you have a boyfriend?
You: No...
Them: Do you have any crushes?
You: Well, yes.
Them: Oh cool. Who? Do I know them?
You: Maybe, her name is ___.
Them: Ha ha.
You: Mmm. I was serious.
Them: But you can't be gay! You're too pretty!!

Well. Thank you and hadn't you better get back to the cave you live in?

Pomegrante Love

2004-05-28T18:36:00.000+10:00

The ancient Greeks had a myth for just about everything. They had one for the pomegranate, something about how the seasons started. The woman who made the world beautiful had a daughter, and she loved her daughter so much that she was happy to do her job. One day her daughter got kidnapped by the lord of the underworld, who loved her too, from a distance. Down in the underworld this guy offered the girl a feast, but she missed her mother and the world too much to eat, but the guy was feeling a bit guilty and so he tried to get her to eat. Meanwhile the girl’s mother is up above trying to get help to go save her daughter, and in the head god comes down to the underworld with her to help. Down in the underworld though, the girl has been offered twelve pomegranate seeds, and she takes six of them. There was a rule back then, you could get out of the underworld so long as you hadn’t eaten anything, but because she was tricked the god decreed that she had to spend six months of every year down there, and twelve months on earth. When she was on earth her mother was so happy that the world was beautiful, but when she was in the underworld her mother missed her too much to do her job and so it was winter. That’s how the seasons came about.

Even though the girl was tricked, and she missed her mother, and the world, she came to love the lord, she felt sorry for him first and then pity turned to love. Kinda a strange love story, but there you have it.

I have to say, for me, the fruit is not so much a love story as a bitter reminder.

I used to like them, I used to eat them all the time. In fact, every book I own has stained purple pages from the juice, and I still have reddish finger tips from eating them so much. They go pretty well in a salad. The reason I don’t like them too much anymore is this girl called Sarah. We ate one together once, it was the first time for her, second for me.

You know how sometimes a person comes to mean everything for you? Maybe not literally, but theirs is the name you mutter to yourself in your sleep, and they’re the one you think of when you’re happiest. Anyway, without degenerating into a sentimental mess, I will say that she had me captivated, mesmerized and smiling for no reason a hundred times a day.

At first, I was the tough one. I was distant, not invested really, and just kind of cruising. She was the one who made me breakfast and left me notes and worried that she cared more. I don’t know now whether she did, but at the time I thought that she did. I felt a bit guilty. And then I went away for a few months.

When I got back and I saw her again I knew that she was it, she was the most beautiful and amazing person I had ever seen in my life and I just had to be near her. And when I was I felt better and stronger and smarter and as though nothing could go wrong. I don’t know if she has this effect on everyone, but she does for me. Still.

Unfortunately, she was having second thoughts now. Can I tell you how much I was kicking myself for reluctance before? Probably not, but hopefully you can imagine it. I still tried to see her as often as I could, without scaring her away. It doesn’t do to seem desperate, does it?

Well, maybe my strategy is what screwed it up, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. She has a boyfriend now, I hear his name is Robbie and though a little dull he is reasonably attractive and very good to her. I am happy that she’s happy, but sad it isn’t me. I am sadder that she doesn’t know how I feel, and probably never did. Communication is clearly not my forte.

She sent me a message the other day, she said that she bought a pomegranate and thought of me. The tear that sent through me was painful. I am not sure now whether I am just a friend or just a sign post on the wayside. Either way, I’m not want I want to be, but given my communication weakness I won’t say anything. Nobody wants to get rejected. And how am I to know that he is not the right one for her, and that if she left him she wouldn't regret it forever. There is no way I want leftover-love, pity-love, or mistaken-love.