A Man Said to the Universe, "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation" -Stephan Crane

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Sleeping 24/7 (bar thirty minutes to write this)

Had no idea exactly how stressed out I was until I noticed that my pants wont stay on anymore.

I'm five kilos lighter.

Currently consuming chocolate in ample quantities. Partly because I'm turning into a scrawny thing, partly because I'm too lazy to cook and don't want to buy food if I'm leaving soon and partly 'cause my R-which-is-not-an-R is ending.

It's ending because she's moving to another city (she finished university this year) and I'm leaving for America on Monday for a few months, effectively reducing our time together to one more night. Am I being a wimp about it? Yes. Am I trying to hide what I feel? Yes. Do I feel like a dropkick for doing this? Most definitely.

I know the first few weeks/months/dates etc make you feel all giddy, but I get butterflies and blush every time I see her. However, when she started saying that we could see each other on the weekends I don't think I reacted the way she anticipated. What I said could be pretty much summed up as "-"

Where I think she was looking for a "yes, oh definitely, that's a great idea, I'll buy a car so I can drive to see you."

Because I'm sort of in the bad books. Or was until about an hour ago when she called to say she was sorry for over reacting and that she wanted to spend the day with me tomorrow. The irritating thing is, she's not really over reacting. I talk a lot when I'm picking up with someone, and in the moment I say a lot of stuff that at other times I wouldn't dream of saying. Not that I don't think it-just that I'm a wuss the rest of the time, and don't like to put everything out there. Not too many people have the guts to get trampled.

Anyway, last time I spent the night she sort of alluded to a continuing of our um, "relationship" for lack of a better word and I may have been slightly more enthusiastic. I'm just scared of her, and when I'm being rational I know that things can't be long term with her.

Yes, I know that I can't know that, but I do anyway. She's told me a million times that she wants to get married and have kids and a husband. That she loves what we have, but that she needs a man (gag me with a shovel...) to feel safe. Since this is someone I am going nuts over, I keep pulling back because it kills me when it ends.

I act like it doesn't. I don't like to expose what I'm feeling to everyone around me, and so she doesn't know how much I care now. That's why I'm kinda scared.

Ho hum. Off to pack in preparation for moving and traveling...


1 Comments:

Blogger Squish said...

already done the akuna matata thing haven't I?
...
dag nabbit

7:36 PM

 

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