A Man Said to the Universe, "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation" -Stephan Crane

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Sleeping 24/7 (bar thirty minutes to write this)

Had no idea exactly how stressed out I was until I noticed that my pants wont stay on anymore.

I'm five kilos lighter.

Currently consuming chocolate in ample quantities. Partly because I'm turning into a scrawny thing, partly because I'm too lazy to cook and don't want to buy food if I'm leaving soon and partly 'cause my R-which-is-not-an-R is ending.

It's ending because she's moving to another city (she finished university this year) and I'm leaving for America on Monday for a few months, effectively reducing our time together to one more night. Am I being a wimp about it? Yes. Am I trying to hide what I feel? Yes. Do I feel like a dropkick for doing this? Most definitely.

I know the first few weeks/months/dates etc make you feel all giddy, but I get butterflies and blush every time I see her. However, when she started saying that we could see each other on the weekends I don't think I reacted the way she anticipated. What I said could be pretty much summed up as "-"

Where I think she was looking for a "yes, oh definitely, that's a great idea, I'll buy a car so I can drive to see you."

Because I'm sort of in the bad books. Or was until about an hour ago when she called to say she was sorry for over reacting and that she wanted to spend the day with me tomorrow. The irritating thing is, she's not really over reacting. I talk a lot when I'm picking up with someone, and in the moment I say a lot of stuff that at other times I wouldn't dream of saying. Not that I don't think it-just that I'm a wuss the rest of the time, and don't like to put everything out there. Not too many people have the guts to get trampled.

Anyway, last time I spent the night she sort of alluded to a continuing of our um, "relationship" for lack of a better word and I may have been slightly more enthusiastic. I'm just scared of her, and when I'm being rational I know that things can't be long term with her.

Yes, I know that I can't know that, but I do anyway. She's told me a million times that she wants to get married and have kids and a husband. That she loves what we have, but that she needs a man (gag me with a shovel...) to feel safe. Since this is someone I am going nuts over, I keep pulling back because it kills me when it ends.

I act like it doesn't. I don't like to expose what I'm feeling to everyone around me, and so she doesn't know how much I care now. That's why I'm kinda scared.

Ho hum. Off to pack in preparation for moving and traveling...

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

She never was very reliable...


It’s been awhile. A very long, intense procrastinating while. Apologies.

I have, in the past few weeks made some really drastic changes, not least of which is moving out. So unfortunately I’m going to be sporadic a while longer until some sort of steady internet resources is figured out (soon I hope.).

Also, I’ve been in the middle of a really satisfying relationship of sorts. Of course, it doesn’t go by the R-word, both of us are being all cool and saying it’s nothing really, but it has morphed into something. That’s not to say it hasn’t got an expiration date (Sunday night actually) because it does, and both of us know it. Also not to say that it has been monogamous, because it hasn’t.

Eh. What can I say? Although I’d like to be that kinda girl, I’m not. I can’t trust people enough to settle, and neither can she so I suppose that works out alright. Have to say though, I am getting attached despite my best efforts, and it’s sort of scary. She is too though so maybe not as scary as it would otherwise be.

This all sounds so ambiguous…I can’t help myself though, I’m totally out of my mind from study and stress and drinking too much and too many late nights. There has been lots of drama in the past few weeks, lots of it coming from exam stuff, lots coming from gossip type stuff.

There is sort of a problem between me and a girl that I don’t know, and if this sounds strange to you it sounds strange to me too so that makes two of us. She hates me apparently, ever since she met me briefly three years ago and I gave her “bad vibes”?

Who knows. What I do know is that she has been spreading really nasty rumours about me. Ones about me and her exBOYfriend because we happen to be friends. And some of our other mutual friends. As stupid as this sounds it is really damaging my reputation because, as I’ve said before, I’m not exactly your stereotypical lesbian and not everyone has been completely convinced that it’s a valid sexual identity. Yes, as you might imagine, that really pisses me off, and it really pisses me off that this girl has managed to piss me off.

I find her slimy and rotten with no sense of honesty or responsibility. She is spiteful, hurtful and a downright bitch in every sense of the word. At the same time, I pity her for what is obviously a pathetically insecure and woefully inadequate ego.

I don't know exactly what to do about it, but at least by moving out I won't have to be around her.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Rain rain go away

I've been absentee due to enormous amount of cramming combined with my computer totally dying.

If anyone knows what it means when the screen is black, with a movable mouse arrow, but the computer won't turn off (other than the damned thing is sentient and out to get me...all of my summaries are on there...) I'd appreciate knowing also.

Apart from that I'm sick (of course) and have two exams to go.

So...big post coming up...lots and lots and lots has happened...just not today.

see y'all soon.