A Man Said to the Universe, "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation" -Stephan Crane

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Patriotic fibrillation

I have no idea what that means. I overheard part of a conversation between these women who were doing the mental equivalent of two muscle-heads flexing it out to see who's stronger. Or at least got bigger guns.

Apparently I have a weird kiss. I've got no complaints mind you (specific or general) but according to my critic I don't use an ordinary amount of tongue while kissing. I'd say no doubt that's true. I've always been of the school of thought that too much tongue is gross, and that the whole piston tongue action you get from some people is evil. The other thing that is gross is when you've got heads completely perpendicular so you can get right up in there and have a total mouth meld. Call me crazy but I need my private personal space even when smooching.

No kissing for me right now though because I've managed to get horribly disgustingly sick. Back to bed for me.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Movies that make you go, "Uh?"

I went out to the movies yesterday to go see Coffee and Cigarettes, which has a brilliant title. I just didn't get the rest of the movie quite as well. The whole thing is about pairs of people at little tables with checked cloths drinking coffee while smoking and talking. Literally. That's it.

?

I like the end though.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Monday: Day of Embarrassment

I got locked in the computer lab. I had to bang on the door for a good fifteen minutes before someone came and rescued me.

My phone rang during a tutorial and I ignored it. It rang again and I answered it. My friend K was late for the tutorial and didn't know where it was and so I had to talk to her all subtle like in the back of the room.

Sarah (Yes, that Sarah) came to visit me yesterday and I was talking to her about earrings. She was talking about a certain pair she owns and like an obsessive stalker I said "Oh, those are the ones you were wearing at your housewarming party." To which she raised an eyebrow and said that yes, she was wearing them then. And then she did that smile that says yes-you-still-like-me-don't-you-and-I'm-really-into-that-if-not-you.

The girl I took out for coffee called when another girl I went on a date with recently was in my room and I had to do the weird juggle moment

I have another hickey.

(Doh.)

Monday, October 25, 2004

Tall coffee of the day with every shot you've got

(Oh yes...exam period time again...study sessions in the coffee shop and sugar highs)

"I think people are a lot like coffee"

"..."

"Don't look at me like that. They are."

"I'm not sure I see it."

"Well, I'm an expresso...you're a cappacino...S is a ice coffee...C is like a mocha...N's a frappacino...see what I'm saying?"

"Uh?"

"I've got a few really good friends, like an expresso. You have some good friends and some frothy social trash."

"I don't know any trash!"

"You know what I meant."

"So what's an ice coffee mean?"

"Cold, gives you a head ache"

"Mocha?"

"Bisexual...can't make up her damn mind between coffee and hot chocolate"

"Which is women?"

"Huh?"

"I'd say coffee is women.."

"No way. Chocolate is women."

"...coffee's more exciting..."

Sunday, October 24, 2004

First date jitters

I've been having a run of el stinko luck lately and it was starting to get me down so I thought that I had a few choices to pull myself out of the blue funk:

A) Buy a giant tub of chocolate ice cream, along with skittles and peanut m&ms then rent a couple of movies and pig myself into oblivion

B) Same thing but with alcohol and crap music at some club

C) Ask that really cute girl who works at the cafe nearby if she'd like to go catch a movie.

We saw Resident Evil 2 (which was stupid but fast moving) and had coffee too. I'm thinking that I definitely picked the best option, and I'm glad she said yes because generally the alternatives both wind up with me feeling sick.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Alphabet soup

Lately I've been having a lot of day dream moments where I get caught up in memories that are disjointed and unconnected. Some of them are good, like the day I tried pumpkin ice cream in Pennsylvania in the autumn in the country. I don’t know whether it tasted good, I just like the idea of eating it on a road that had large white houses with black roofs all surrounded by red leaves.

Some of the memories are funny ones, like the time I went with a friend so that he could get a piercing done. He managed to pick the most intimidating shop, filled with black leather and studded collars, chaps and the odd whip. The guy who was doing the piercings there was a walking tattoo with a sprinkling of piercings of his own, and took one look at us before clearly thinking tourists. While I was standing amidst the kink the guy took my friend into the back of the store, got him to lie down and whispered something in his ear. My friend’s body went tense, the guy pierced him and we left.

“What did he say to you?”

“He said if I yelled or fainted he was going to pierce my nuts to my thigh.”

Some are kind of sad too, like the day of my grandfather’s service. I’m not especially close to any of my family, but I was with him since we were similar people. When I saw him he never launched into an attack of questions or comments about how much I’d grown, but instead we could be silent together and still get along. When he died I refused to cry, and at the funeral home my father and I were the only ones that didn’t, even though I was choking back so much my throat burnt.

Another unconnected thought I’ve been having is book titles. There are a few that I love, even though the books are not favorites…like All in the Blue Unclouded Weather, or Dandelion Wine. I think that actually, quite often I like the idea of things more than the reality and this is just another example.

A second example is the way I get involved with people. I do so well for the first few heady exciting days, and not so great after that. I love the idea of being in love, but the reality is too much for me? It’s hard to say because I don’t let it get to that point. Yes, easy to justify by saying I’m "not in a place in my life where I’m ready for that" yada yada but really, when is a person ever ready to pick The One?

I’ve not slept well for some time. Bad luck happens in three neh? Well, I’ve lost a friend, another has started to mutilate, and I’m just waiting for the third. Fingers crossed it’s a stubbed toe.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Awkward moment No. 52

My worst coming out story.

I'd told my family. I'd told my friends. My ex found out on the grapevine and called to confirm

"Are you seriously a lesbian?"

"Yeah, I think I am."

"What do you mean you think you are?"

"Well, I haven't actually done anything with a girl yet, but I'd like to."

"Oh. You don't think that...that I'm...um..."

"What?"

"You know."

"No, what?"

"Girly."

"No. That's why I broke up with you stupid...if you were girly I coulda just pretended"

"Oh....Hey...I didn't make you gay did I?"

"What?!"

"I mean, it's not my fault is it?"

"No."

wanker

"This is kinda hot. You aren't bi are you?"

Is it wrong I hung up on him? I think not.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

20 Things I learnt about myself this year

In no particular order:

1) Pink and beige are "my colors"

2) I can eat Chinese food with chopsticks, but I will only get a third of what I’m trying to eat into my mouth, the rest will end up all over myself, my date and the restaurant proprietor

3) I either don’t cry at all or have horrible choking snotty loud as hell and ugly to boot crying

4) I do like asparagus after hating it for 21 years

5) I hate being judged solely on my sexuality, but I refuse to not tell people what I am (including little old men/women who "won't understand")

6)I will not let being a lesbian define my life…I will not only be friends with lesbians and I will not hate people because they’re judgmental (I’ll just think they’re wankers)

7) The c-word is my absolute least favorite

8) I hate washing dishes more than anything else in the kitchen (including peeling mushrooms)

9) I cannot wake up unless sunlight is coming into the room

10) I truly am addicted to coffee

(and pink donuts with sprinkles)

11) Sometimes I use reading as an escape

12) I have no self control when it comes to chocolate oranges

13) I can be selfish in bed sometimes

14) I snore (but only when I have a cold... I swear...)

15) I like singing when I’m by myself even if I don’t technically know the words

16) I don’t mind looking stupid anymore

17) Racism really pisses me off

18) Soda makes me burp

19) I get really guilty and upset when I say I’ll be somewhere and then I don’t make it

20) I'm not too good at admitting when I'm wrong, but I'm working on it.

Monday, October 11, 2004

.

Last Tuesday a very good friend of mine died, and I've spent the last few days wondering what the hell just happened. I hadn't really spoken with her in a long time, and so I didn't really know what was going on in her life.

I miss her already.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

einmal ist keinmal

I've been reading the Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera, and this is a recurrent phrase in the book, it means: what happens but once might as well not have happened at all. His whole point to the book is that because we only have one life our decisions and choices are all made without knowledge of the consequences. And there isn't the same sense of responsibility when you only do something once; it's not like if you make a choice to leave someone you'll have to do it again and again and again. Only once.

Anyway. I think I'm not explaining the whole premise very well, but it's a good book. I just don't agree. The whole doing something into infinity sounds like a far more unbearable burden. Maybe that's just me?

Sometimes I don't like reading books like this because you can just see how brilliant the author is, and they always give me the feeling that I'm missing something. As though if I read it a little closer and spent a little more time thinking it over I'd get their point. I'm just going to sit here quietly and wait for my stroke of genius...

Monday, October 04, 2004

Escapism

I was woken up Saturday morning at eight by loud thumping on my door. When I answered it, bleary eyed and scruffy headed it was a friend.

"I bring coffee and donuts."

Probably no other statement, other than (maybe) "the building is burning and I'm saving your life," would have prevented my killing him. Or at the very least, maiming.

So the reason this friend came to wake me up so early (yes, eight is early) was because he'd heard about the whole hickey fiasco, multiple times, and in multiple variations, and realized that I'd be upset and angry about it. He wanted to go to the coast for the day, figuring that maybe just a break from the situation would help, which it did. Even if it was too cold to go swimming the ocean is great for calming me down. The distance really helped also.

When we got back that night a bunch of my old friends and I went out to nightclubs and bars not frequented by many people who live here. My friends are really great people aren't they? I love 'em all.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Stuck in the middle with you...

I like to think that I live with mature, reasonable adults but I'm just fooling myself.

I got a hickey the other week. It was ugly, it hurt getting it, and it was from a girl who admitted she was marking her territory. Yeah. I wasn't too impressed but then again, I'm easily pacified and she managed admirably. Everyone here abouts thought it was the funniest thing on earth because I generally keep my sex life to myself since I hate being the gossip du jour. Can't avoid it when you're sporting a hickey though.

As soon as it faded an eighteen year old guy that I know thought it would be really funny to give me another, which he did. I thought it was really emphatically not funny, and still do. It's equally as ugly, hurt just as much, and is starting some stupid trend as to who gets to give me the next one. All I can say is the next person is going to take a fist to the nose. But this is not why I'm extremely irked. I'm extremely irked because it seems that Mr 18 had something other than a joke on his mind. He is sleeping with someone my age (22) and she is apparently a bit of a psycho. I've a few friends that have become involved with her over the year, and all of them agree, so I don't blame him for wanting to get out of it. He asked my advice, I said, "If you aren't happy with the situation you should change it, talk to her and tell her you want to end it, or that she has to change the way she's treating you."

Did he do that?

No.

He gave me a great big ugly hickey thereby forcing a confrontation with this girl and putting me smack in the middle of a lover's quarrel where I have no right to be especially because I am a LESBIAN for fuck's sake and have NO INTEREST in boys in general and in particular IMMATURE ONES that have to suck on my NECK in order to get the subject raised since they don't have the cajones to bring it up on their own.