A Man Said to the Universe, "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation" -Stephan Crane

Thursday, September 30, 2004

For Lease: one gender identity, slightly used, good quality, female.

"I would have made such a good guy. I would have had a huge wang, muscles, very tall and extremely hot. Plus, I woulda been a cocky little bastard-and girls love that. I'd have had lots of chicks until I found one that you know... performed well, then I'd keep her around for a while."

I think she'd rather be a guy.


Unrelatedly
Two of my gay friends (B and M) who are a couple now had an interesting start to their flirtation. We had all been to a formal event, and a few days later were looking through the pictures. One of the girls (M) is your stereotypical lesbian... a baby butch if you will. She is very clearly gay to just about everyone except, apparently, my other friend (who I should add is not really gay so much as dating M currently). Anyhow, we came to a photo of M all dressed up in a pink dress, makeup etc, basically looking the opposite to how she usually does.

B: You look like such a dyke in this photo (laughs)
M: ...
me: ...
everyone in the room: ...
B: what?
M: I am a dyke.

And true love was born.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Monkey see.

When I was younger a principle hobby of mine was climbing trees. We used to have a wattle tree next to our house (they're usually bushes rather than trees...have yellow flowers and brittle branches) that used to be a favorite for climbing, and one afternoon I was at the top with a friend. This put us nearly two stories up in the air, and although I loved climbing trees I wasn't stupid so I was right in next to the trunk, clinging on where the branches were strongest. Not my friend. She was dancing around on the outer twigs singing at the top of her voice, "I'm a monkey! I'm a monkeeeey! I'm a moooonkeeeey!"

And then she fell.

She hit branches the whole way down

uh

oh

uh

uh

uggghhhh.....(she hit the ground)

Conclusive proof that I'm evil: "MONKEYS DON'T FALL!!!!!!!"

She broke her arm.

oops.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Emotional Boogers

You know how insanely frustrating it is when you go around with something in your nose or between your teeth, and no one wants to be the one to let you know? Then finally someone does tell you and you're forced to wonder how many of the people you talked to that day noticed it (all of them) and how many of them were actually laughing at your spinach mouth or drippy nose rather than your funny story (all of them).

So that's the basis of my analogy. Sometimes I indulge in over share and seem to have no inner monologue when trying to work out what I'm thinking or feeling. Although I'd rather think it's not true, I'm sure I've been guilty of an emotional booger...that is to say...displaying too much and not realizing it. A couple of days ago I happened to experience a friend's horrible public spewing forth of an emotional tirade. Don't get me wrong; I'm all for sharing your feelings. It's just that when you start in on how you used to date this guy who wanted nothing but sex and how inadequate it made you feel as a person, as though you were a "conveniently positioned hole," when talking to a guy you want to date that as a friend I feel like I should let you know that maybe you ought to go blow your nose. Or shut up. Whichever.

(I don't think I stopped her in time though.)

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Virulent virus

The internet is down at my university...

I have the world's largest hickey...

I gave blood the other day and I am tired from lack of iron...

PLUS the nurse wiggled the needle in my vein when the blood stopped to try and make it start again...OW

So...um...more later...hopefully soon.

I think I'm addicted 'cause I needed another hit of this writing thing.


Monday, September 20, 2004

Where's the cake?!?

I got back from a twenty-first yesterday afternoon and fell asleep right away. Didn't even take off my shoes. The party was great, the people were witty and charming and the music fit the mood. There was, however, no birthday cake.

None.

Not even a cupcake. What the hell kinda birthday party is it without the cake?

It was good, but it woulda been great with a cake.

Anyway, I went with a friend, and she ended up picking up two of my other friends (who she didn't know before) within the space of an hour. It was great. Both of the guys think that she's amazingly hot and really want to date her, but she was just having a good night. I love it when roles are reversed like that.

Honestly, I'm trying to think of something funny that happened, but either it was all inside jokes or I was just too drunk to remember.

PS Perm: a lady never tells!

Friday, September 17, 2004

Ego trip.

I've been so naughty about writing lately. There is an excuse though. I haven't been in my room too much. At all. No no. Don't ask. I won't tell.

Except to say I'm pretty happy right now.

Slightly confused and bewildered, a tiny bit disgruntled, but pretty cheery anyway. Confusion comes from who to see since suddenly there are multiple dates, bewilderment comes from some surprising dates.

The disgruntled thing comes from a sudden reappearance of someone that I fancied very much, lets call her Jane, who has apparently suffered a fit of jealously. I wanted to date her for a long time, and got no where, which is okay, sometimes it isn't meant to be. Yesterday though, Jane stopped by to see me and I was already entertaining a guest, to whom she was pretty rude.

So here's the thing, I don't think maturity is everything, but it's really important. Because I don't like dating people who need to tickle for a good half hour before they feel comfortable with kissing. I don't like dating people who say the opposite to what they mean. I don't like being lied to, cheated on, or in anyway made to feel as though I was a fool for trusting. I don't think it's funny to fail classes repeatedly. If you don't like a course, switch out of it.

I don't like having to deal with ex issues, mommy-didn't-love-me-enough problems or any other emotional baggage that I shouldn't have to apologize for. Not only because I didn't do it to you, but because you should be able to get over it when someone hurts you. My purpose in life is not to stroke your ego, and I'm not going to. If that's a problem, then things aren't going to work.

I just got off the phone with Jane, she called me to "talk." She wanted to know who that was in my room? Did I see them often? Well, how often? Did they ever stay over? What did that mean? Was I going to see them again tomorrow?

So, like I said...maturity is important, and this pretty much means that as attractive as Jane is, she's not one of these potential dates.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Inevitability

When I was a teenager I used to date people-not-from-my-town because I tried to avoid the gossip and messy confusion of keeping track of exes and no dating periods so as not to step on anyone's toes. Anyway, this led to all sorts of problems when it came to actually seeing boyfriends, since I couldn't drive and the train station was a fair hike away. So we used the phone a lot, to talk (sometimes I'm baffled as to why guys stay in relationships with younger girls because it's all the headtrips and none of the good stuff). One guy that I dated, we'll call him Ted, used to be ok with this, he'd call and talk for hours.

The only downside is that while he was talking he'd go online and look at porn.

But, you know, I was cool with that. To each his own. At least until the day we broke up.

"Hey, guess what I'm doing?"

"I don't know?"

"I'm checking out this really cool website."

"Mmm."

"I think I'm going to add it to my favorites. This is great."

"Uh huh."

"There's a guy fucking a chicken!!"

...

...

...

"I have to go. Bye. Oh. I think we should see other people. Bye."

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I wanna be a supermodel...

...except I like food too much. Damn.

I have been asked to model before. Usually I say, "no."

Mostly because I hate to have my photo taken. And also because the idea gives me the willies.

Today I got asked to be a hair model for some hair week thingy going on. I said yes this time because they said they'd pay me. What can I say? The caramel slice blew my budget (not the going out to clubs thing, as you might suspect if you weren't otherwise informed). I'm thinking I may have given away that I'm more of the feminine type lesbian than the stereotypical shaved head, tattooed, motorcycle type lesbian. Yeah...I wear skirts and heels and makeup too.

Jewelry.

Perfume.

I carry a handbag (sometimes anyway).

I suck at sports.

Generally, I don't hate men just because they're men.

I have no random piercings.

I own pink clothes, and stuff that's sparkly.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. Being a hair model. I said I would, but then remembered that I'm supposed to go to a twenty-first birthday instead. Oops. Guess it wasn't meant to be and I'll have to continue in my utterly unglamorous non-model lifestyle.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Stomach of steel.

I spent today with my sister. She called me early to complain about a lack of finances, and I suggested that she not look to me for salvation because I'm broke too.

We then decided to celebrate by pooling our resources and having a coffee and caramel slice in town. Well...I decided to have coffee, and she decided to O.D. on sugar. Only, she's one of those people that can't do anything unless someone does it with them, so she ordered two caramel slices. I think it should be illegal to make something that rich, gooey, and sweet, but if someone puts food in front of me, I eat it. Anyway, while eating we watched in a combination of horror and disgust while a baby jumped all over this guys lap, drooling in his ear and making horrible screamy sounds. The worst came when the thing stuck it's hand in it's mouth and then shoved the spitty thing into his eye. During all this my sister is talking about how a c-section is really the way to go nowadays, absolutely nobody does vaginal birthing anymore.

Only one thing for that sort of situation, and that's more food, in ample enough quantities that you can form a physical barrier to the sort of revulsion that you get when hearing your sister say "I'm going to be so drugged up I'm not going to feel them pull the little parasite outta my stomach."

So we went to the supermarket and got chips of the variety you eat cold, and also those you have to cook (for 25 minutes if you can believe that...convenience my ass.) and soda and jellybeans. We got back to my room where we watched a Hannibal movie and ate lots of junk. Would it surprise anyone to know that I am feeling slightly nauseated now? Because it surprised my sister. She reckons it's a sign of impending old age.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Cohabitation

Potential plus: not having to cook for myself.

Potential minus: waiting for the bathroom in the morning.

I went and saw the village last night, and hey, you know how it is with scary movies. Getting jumpy leads to holding hands leads to snuggling leads to I got a dinner invitation. Go me. I hate cooking, so this was really wonderful. Actually, I tell a lie. Cooking isn't so bad. It's just the limitations you face when your ingredients list is mostly carrots and noodles.

So, I had a healthy dinner that was balanced and vegetarian and so today I celebrated with a snack machine breakfast. (I don't know who I should thank for my metabolism but thank you so so much!!)

After eating dinner we found her place cold, and it was kinda early so we came back to my place to watch some movies. She kept trying to stick her cold hands on me, and so I stuck mine on her and so on and so forth, long story short I ended up pinned to the bed. Kinky neh?

Not really. Ok.

Well, it was a mild pick up but that's all good. Fun and all that. Only downside now is I can't get into my bathroom because she stayed the night and is occupying it.

Still, on the whole worth it I'd say. Just not on a permanent basis.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Oil and water

Oh so hung over.

Only up because my grandparents called me at 9.

"Good morning!!"

"Mmm. Hello?"

"Where you in bed!?"

"Mmm. No." why do I feel the need to lie about this?

"That's good, your grandmother made me wait until now to call you!! I told her you'd be up!!"

"Uh."

"I'm sending you a package, it should get there next week!!"

"Ok, I'll keep my eyes out for it."

"What's going on in your life these days!?"

Oh, nothing really, I went out and got absolutely fucked last night, it was awesome, you should have been there, really, it was a great night out. Oh, and then at around 4:00 I managed to make it back to the college with a whole crew of people and we just sort of dawdled around, eating toasted cheese sandwiches until someone said we should all go and watch this hilarious porn they have, so we all tramped off to do that. And after watching maybe half an hour of this porn and getting melted cheese and crumbs over everything in this person's room we all decided that hell, we may as well just stay up and watch the sunrise. So we all took off from the college and stood around outside waiting for the sun, sobering up a bit from the cold air. Nobody realizing we were watching in the wrong direction and so clearly not all that sober. Yeah. It was great. I plan to do essentially the same thing at least 6 times a week for the next two weeks. Should be awesome.

"Oh...not much...I have a study break at the moment."

"Oh wonderful!! I used to love catching up on my studies during those!! A little more knowledge is always a good thing!!"

I swear, I have NONE of the same genes as this man.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Slimy teeth

(Not mine.)

I was at the bus stop the other day when this old guy with seriously slimy teeth and patchy white hair walked up to me and said, "It's a wonderful day today! Do you know why it's a wonderful day today?"
"Uh. No."
"Because I've met you!"

Creepycreepycreepycreepycreepy.

"Have you heard the joke about the roof?"
"Uh. No."
"It's over your head!"

Silence on my part.

"Do you get it?"
"Yeah, I got it."
"Did you hear the one about Heaven?"
"No."
"It's cool!"

(?!?)

"My name's Paul."
"Hey, great to meet you Paul."
"You're pretty."

And I was out of there for an hours walk home. There is only so much creepy old man a girl can take.

In other news...I had a date that went fantastically well and am going out again tomorrow with the same girl. I have no more exams, essays or lab reports and two weeks of no class. There is a party tonight and I'm to go out afterwards with a couple of people I did crew with.

Uni is definitely the life for me (excepting a couple of weeks around the exam periods..)

Monday, September 06, 2004

Strategizing

Ways to get out of taking a test as suggested by pow wow of friends trying to get me to "calm the fuck down":

1) Go in, set pens out nice and orderly, take off pants and fold them and put under chair before sitting down. When asked why pants are off reply, "I think better this way."

2) Go into exam, take in goldfish, small bowls of rice, scented candles, gold bells and other assorted spiritual paraphernalia. Set up shrine to goldfish, god of chem answers.

3) Take in magic 8 ball.

4) Kill/maim someone and get arrested

5) Take off socks and tie them around head then put war paint on face to psych myself up for "smashing the test"

6) Bribe the old folks who walk around making sure you take the test

7) Drop the course if it's that painful.

All irrelevant now, however, because I am finally done with the exam. Just have to worry about biotechnology now.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Why Karma will bite me in the ass when I have kids

My sister and I were the bane of every babysitter's life. In fact, I think I can say that we never had a babysitter that we didn't make cry at least once. Not that I'm proud of this at all. Maybe a little.

The best one ever was when we met the babysitter at the door dressed like devils in one piece pajamas (with feet), tails attached, and horns made out of cardboard and head bands. She rang the doorbell, and when mum let her in she saw the pair of us, nonchalantly leaning against the wall, spinning our tails. I like to think she got the first shivers then.

Probably not. But it was only a matter of time since we had decreed it Opposite Night. Now, normally this backfires as soon as the babysitter (or any authority figure) figures out the game, but we added a twist by making it Opposite-to-what-you-want-us-to-do Night. Such bright little things. So precocious.

At dinner we ate dessert first, not such a big thing, but still, not what we were told to do. We managed to make an enormous mess out of dinner because, having eaten dessert first (with seconds) we didn't have room for it, and so had a minor food fight.

When we went downstairs to play we tied the babysitter up and wouldn't let her go. What kind of adult lets children tie them up? A naive one. We threw a bucket of water on her. Mwah ha ha.

Then there was a bit of regret. We didn't want to get in trouble. So we put her clothes in the dryer for her, and sat down to watch t.v. Of course, we couldn't agree on what to watch, and so eventually there was a channel war between the babysitter and us.

Eventually, despite holding out longer than most, she broke down and we went to bed victorious again.

This is why when I babysit, I let the kids do whatever they want short of life-threatening shenanigans...if they're not yours, you don't have to deal with the belly-aches later.

Weird moment

Girls are really attractive. Ok, "hot."

I get away with "checking out" other girls a lot, probably more because even straight girls do it then any subtlety on my part.

I don't check out guys. Usually. Yeah. That's the weird moment.

Weird weird weird weird weird.

'Course, I was the only one who did think he was attractive...all my girlfriends agreed that he wasn't unless you happened to be blind/drunk/blind-drunk.

Friday, September 03, 2004

People watching

I have moved from my desk in the corner to the table in front of the window. It was a forced move since apparently my desk has exploded. There are stacks of paper so high that they fall to the floor quite often, especially at 3 in the morning. The paper on the floor is slowly encroaching on my table by the window, and in turn the papers on the table are leaping to the bed. I am being taken over by a wave of chem notes.

I don't have nearly so many for any other subject I have ever taken. In fact, I don't think I generated this many notes the entire year last year.

So now that I'm sitting at the table by the window I can see people walk by all the time. So far there are...

...the science people, who are all kinda hungry looking and wearing birkenstocks. With socks...

...some arts students, and they're all kind of relaxed looking. Surely not going to class...

...couple of law students who look very serious and wear very nice clothes (how do they afford it?!? I am eating carrots this week. I wish I knew their secret.)...

...an old couple who were arm in arm. Awww.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Coffee (lots of it) and chocolate (enough to induce diabetic coma)

I really hate cramming. And yet. I cram.

But thats not what I want to write about. I want to write about the weirdness that is backstage pick ups. Why is it that there is more flirting backstage then anywhere else? Apart from maybe the lighting booth since they have privacy up there.

Crew seems to be a really male dominated activity which is cool by me since it means I don't have to carry all the heavy set pieces. Then again, the drawback of being the only girl backstage is I get hit on. Yeah, pretty funny for a while, and then not so humorous. It sort of all relates back to a situation like this

I'd say probably 80% of guys get the point then. Why only 80%? Well, of the rest some think it's a way to impress guys, some ask if you're into threesomes, and some think it's just a way of brushing them off.