A Man Said to the Universe, "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation" -Stephan Crane

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Last minute review

Friend one: has anyone else noticed that "Great tits" is kinda a dirty name for birds?
Friend two: yeah, haha
Me: I just thought it was a waste of a great name...
One: you would!

Later that day...

Two: ask me a question! I know everything there is to know about this class!
Me: a hard one?
Two: do I ever tell the truth? an easy one please.
Me: okay. tell me about the Chaseaway model.
Two: ...
Me: do you want a hint?
Two: thought you'd never ask.
Me: toxic sperm
One: is that why cum tastes so bad?

and later still...

Me: I can't remember the difference between all these stupid terms.
One: okay. first there's polygyny, and that's like one guy and lots of girls. I remember that by thinking of a harem. then there's polyandry, and that's one girl and heaps of guys. I remember that by thinking of S_____ (Oh so true!!). then promiscuity I think we all know and love. polygynandry is like a community of people who all have sex together. that's like living on campus, or in a trailor park. oh, and monogamy is like the religious people on campus who don't have sex so get married really early.
Me: ohhhh.

Outside the exam venue as a law exam is getting out a guy did what could only be called the Evil Knevil of tripping and falling over a road barrier. He did a full flip, hit his head and ended up on his ass in mud. Funny stuff I thought...

Creepy law student to friend: Hey do you think he could sue for that?

Schedule for the next few days:
Tomorrow: study
Day after: test
Afternoon of day after: uni bar

Saturday, June 19, 2004

All good things come to an end...

Two tests down, one to go.

Things I have learnt this exam period:

1) My lecturer for Evolutionary Ecology uses a purse despite being a guy.
2) The entire Ecology department wears birkenstock sandels in winter, with socks.
3) These socks don't necessarily match.
4) You need to be inhuman to understand chemistry.
5) I am not inhuman.
6) Tempers wear thin during exam periods, and maybe practical jokes won't go over as well as they might otherwise have.
7) Everyone who has finished already deserves torture and possibly death.
8) Especially the arts students.
9) Too much coffee means killer withdrawal headaches when you ease off the caffeine.
10) Going out during the exam period is a bad idea.
11) Especially if you have a test the next day.
12) Your alarm clock WILL self-destruct at some point during the night when you really really really have to wake up the next morning.
13) Some of the course material I may or may not be reading for the first time is actually kinda interesting. Who'd a thunk it?

Three and a half days and counting!!!!

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Four days left before exams begin.

Wake up

(sort of)

Make it to kitchen.

Spill coffee on floor

Wonder if 5 second rule applies to coffee?

Decide maybe not.

Glance at clock.




Back to bed.

Moral of the story: late night cramming = confused circadian rhythms

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Exam Period Diet

Cooked pasta: an easy yet tasty meal

Dry pasta: bad idea.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Few short of a full deck.

I’m not crazy. Just so we’re clear from the start. I have, however, spent time in a mental hospital with actual loonies. In a hospital like that everyone is nuts, and not just the patients. The profession just seems to attract them.

My first day or so were spent on suicide watch. For the uninitiated that means a room with a glass wall facing the nurses’ station so you’re never out of sight. Your bed is in a room with a glass window in the door and no light switch. Twenty-four hours of florescent lights: if you weren’t out of it before you will be now. Suicide watch also means a bagel and cream cheese with a plastic spoon to spread it for breakfast and some eccentric room-mates.

I had two. A man whose name I don’t know and Alvin. Alvin and I played cards. I only knew how to play solitaire, so Alvin taught me poker. Alvin seemed normal enough to me, a bit upset that he was there, but who wouldn’t be? He didn’t harp on it or anything, just got to talking about cards. Once the basics were learnt I guess he felt the need to keep talking because he kept up a prattle all on his own. The most he got out of me was a smile or nod.

His favorite topic was leather; apparently he wanted to open a leather goods store, Salsa Leathers. He told me that he’d give me a job if I ever needed one. Considering he didn’t own a store, that it was just a figment of his imagination at this point, and it didn’t seem feasible to believe this particular fantasy was coming true anytime soon, I took his offer with a polite smile and silent “whatever you say.”

There was a bit of a lull in our conversation, lasting until I won three hands in a row.

“Are you sure you ain’t a card shark or sumptin’?”

“No, I’ve never played before. Must be beginners luck.”

A dry laugh and an almost crazy look. “Yeah. Must be luck.”

Hmmm. Note to self, lose next hand. “So…are you married?” Distraction is a very useful skill in the teenage repertoire.

“Yeah.” Shuffling the cards now, “Yeah, I love her so much. She’s a real beautiful woman. On the inside too ya know?”

Oh yeah. So she’s ugly. “Oh, that’s always good.” He was doing that shuffle where you hold the deck, take a few cards from the front and drop them through the deck. Staring at his hands, I saw his style go from that at a nice slow easy pace to slamming the cards around and dropping them all over the table and floor.

“Fuck-ing bitch…goddamned… it’s her fault I’m in here she’s so full of shit told the cops she was afraid of me her and her bitch mother actin’ like I’m scary or sumptin’ when I told her I love her so much I’d never hurt her.” The card shuffling slowed. “Yeah. I really love my wife so much I’d never do anythin’ to hurt her ever.”

Eyes going all milky soft and gooey. Then suddenly, “Fucking bitch I should wring her scrawny bitch neck.”

“Ah. So…where in the city are you going to open your shop?” Oh so subtle.

“Queens I think. I guess Manhattan would be better, but I can't afford that.”


“I’m goin’ to open it as soon as I get out of here”

“That’s great.”