A Man Said to the Universe, "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation" -Stephan Crane

Friday, February 03, 2006

Walking orange.

When I was younger my family moved around a bit, and not just from state to state, but from country to country. This means that I don't have any friends from when I was little that I've stayed in touch with. The friends I've kept the longest are all from the end of high school, and I still fell out of touch with them when I moved overseas (this time on my own) for university. Some of the other friendships I had ended as a result of coming out, making some people uncomfortable. And then there was just moving apart gradually because we ran out of things in common.

There are a few friendships that didn't change because of any differences to my lifestyle, or because I was living in a different country. I still didn't speak with these people for a few years, and emails were very sporadic. But still, when I picked up the phone and called them, we talked for hours. One of them, who I'm naming Bob for today, had been thinking about getting in touch with me also. He's been feeling the lack of close friends lately, and so we've been spending a lot of time talking. He's working really hard at university, and he's been very successful at it so far. This is all very exciting news for someone who was so close to him, because he's had so many rough periods in his life.

When I knew him in high school, it was as a boyfriend initially. We went out for six months, during which time we kissed twice. At that point it was pretty obvious that the closeness that led us to be a couple was really just friendship, and we ended the relationship. After that point we spent a lot of time together, and he is without doubt the best friend I've ever had. He's also been the hardest person to maintain a friendship with. All the stereotypical things that could go wrong in childhood (in a wealthy WASP community) did, his father used to beat him etc. When I first met him, he was the perfect son. He played piano beautifully, got straight As, he was maybe not as athletic as his father would have liked, but he did do martial arts, and was successful at that. He was polite to his parents, and could speak with adults without turning red or being rude.

After a year of knowing him this all started to change. I noticed scars on his arms, and when I'd asked what they were he said that they were from a bike accident. In fact, not until two years ago did he confirm that it was from himself. Watching a friend destroy themselves slowly physically like he did was hard. Even though I was close to him, he still couldn't open up and tell me about what was hurting him enough to make him want to do that. I don't think he really knew either. He ended up getting help, therapy and prozac. He spent some time in a hospital. I'd like to say that it fixed him and he was ok after that, but he wasn't. Only in the past two years is he getting back on his feet again, and managing his life better so that he doesn't feel so bad all the time.

Still, through all this he has grown as a person, and it almost gives substance to "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger." He wouldn't be who he is without having experienced all that he has, and so even though I hate all the pain that he's had in his life, I'm glad that I met him.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Walk and talk

Up till the age 23, the sickest I'd been was a cold. I was pretty sick last year though, I put off going to the doctor for a long time because I had no insurance. I was worried about the cost.

I went after one particularly heinous night when I was hallucinating from a temperature, and the doctor gave me a choice of going to hospital in an ambulance or in a taxi.

I took the taxi, it was less embarassing than getting into an ambulance down the street from my apartment. Although, at that point, embarassment was a little past me.

Anyway, upshot is, I was treated like an idiot by most of the doctors that crossed my path (not without reason), but I got better.

What's a near death experience without a moment of clarity though? And mine came with a realization that I've let a lot of important people slip out of my life. So I've spent the last month making contact with people I've been close to, and it's been great.

Friday, May 20, 2005

The beauty of the "txt"

"Hey do you remember [Mae]?"

"Why?"

"Apparently she's just written a book called 101 things to do with a beanbag chair and you've got a mention"

"I have no idea what your talking about"

"Well obviously the night stuck in her memory better than it did in yours.."

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Sprung cleaning

When I went to work yesterday there was a pile of garbage next to the door, the kitchen was disgusting (featuring tomato spattered walls behind the oven, science project fruit bowl, and something sticky covering ninety percent of the floor) and the bathroom shower had a distinctly slimey feel in the corners.

When I got home the apartment reeked of lemon but everything was tidy and clean and neat and guilt-inducing.

I'm thinking, as I walk in, that this isn't a good sign because generally when someone goes on a cleaning binge it means either they're too stressed for words, they're procrastinating from some undesirable task or they're really pissed off.

A little dodging around the subject and I'm pretty sure it's pissed off, and mostly because The Boy has not called in a few days, maybe for a week? And she's disappointed because it seemed like this guy wasn't a Guy and actually called when he was supposed to, and remembered important things.

I wish I got constructive when I was bummed. Mostly I just watch TV and go for long dramatic walks.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Drained

I am really rather stressed at the moment. There is a lot of stuff I have to get done for university, my place of work is currently understaffed and they're scheduling me on for eight hour shifts nearly every day and it seems everyone I know is having a Drama. All of which means that I'm feeling very thin at the moment.

For example, last night a friend of mine walked three hours in the dark to come see me. He wanted to tell me that a night club that he really loves is being forced to close down.

Yeah. I didn't believe that's why he came either.

He's just broken up with his girlfriend (who was a bisexual come to think of it-coinkydink? I think not) who is already seeing other people and he's still in the chocolate cake eating where did things go wrong stage. The thing is though...I was just too tired and too worn out and too over people in general that I couldn't handle him and sent him on his way with a pile of paper referring to the laws this nightclub of his has supposedly violated.

This working schtick sucks neh?

Monday, May 02, 2005

Fortune cookies

They don't taste that good, do they? Sort of like the inside of a sugary cereal box would taste.

My fortune though...what a gem of wisdom...

"Better to let a fool kiss you than to be fooled by a kiss."

Given recent events I'm not feeling enlightened by this, just as though someone/thing is having a bit of a laugh.

I did recently get the opportunity to laugh myself though when I asked a guy I work with for his phone number.

"You know I'm gay, right?"

"That's nice. So am I."

He was just a little embarassed.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Worst. Date. Ever.

I don't ask for much, really I don't...

My flight down to Melbourne was delayed by, roughly, a million years so I was late the first night and only arrived at about 9:30, too late for the proposed early dinner date with my ex-pseudo-girlfriend.

Not to be detered we met up the next day for coffee, even if it was later than planned following my inadvertant tour of Melbourne on the public transport system of confusing maps and drivers who won't speak above an irritating mumble.

Eventually I got there, apologised for being late, made with the standard idle chit chat, and then there was about ten minutes of awkward silence until she asked what was wrong.

I said I didn't know.

She said she didn't either especially since we used to be able to talk for hours.

I had a nasty suspicion that it was because she was hiding something from me since in the past whenever she felt guilty she'd stop talking and act very awkwardly until she spilt.

I asked if she really didn't know?

She said that she didn't.

I said, ok fine. But you can tell me if there's something wrong.

She asked me to drop it.

I dropped it.

Things improved, there was talking and little to no weirdness until her boyfriend showed up.

ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH.

NEVER again will I date a bisexual.